Part 1 of the Letter Series
** Note this isn’t the sequel, this is just something to get you guys through the withdraw while I out line the next series.

Dear Antonio,

 
I’m sorry, I know you hate me right now, and I don’t blame you, I deserve all your anger, but first there are some things you should know.

First you should know that tonight was one of the best nights of my life, and considering what happened I know it seems silly, but it was. Being with you was what made it great, and I hope you know that. You’ve given me something that I hadn’t had in a long time Antonio, faith in a man, hope that someday a man , a good noble strong man, like you could find something worth well in someone like me.

I needed that, more then you’ll ever know, but I’ll still try to explain it to you.

I’m not the woman you need, I am not even sure I qualify as a woman yet, and if I do I’m sure that I’m still way below deserving you. I know that right now you’re fighting to tear this letter up, you think that I’m tearing myself down, and that I’m back in that bad place , but I’m not. I’m where I belong for the moment at least.

I’ve done things that I’m ashamed of, things I don’t want anyone to ever know about, but I’ll tell them to you, not to ensure pity, because I know I can’t get it, but so that you know that you’re better. Better off without me, better then me.

Evil does exist in Harmony, but because I care you, I won’t reveal exactly who it is, trust me it’s safer. But Evil exists in Harmony because I brought it here. I was obsessed with your brother Miguel I thought it was love, of course at fifteen I don’t really know what love is, but I thought it was love and it made me stupid.

So when a women name Hecuba offered me Miguel on a silver platter, I blindly took it, all I had to do was sell my soul. And really what good would my soul be with out the one person to complete me, except Miguel isn’t my soul mate; of course I learned that lesson too late.

Being without a soul is the same as living without a conscience, there are neither boundaries nor rules, but there is also no comfort, and no solace. End result is that when your mother told you that my house was sucked into hell, it was, and I opened the gate, but more then that I crossed a line.
 

A line that made everything I did after that seems okay, things like drugging my cousin, and sleeping with Miguel when I knew he loved Charity. This is the part where I tell you what I think you already know that I was pregnant when I tried to commit suicide. I know you know because the day after the stitches tore I received two cards, both unassigned. One just said I’m sorry, that was Miguel, and the other was a poem that was you. I know people think that Luis is the sensitive brother, but I think it’s you.

I feel bad that my child died, but I feel relieved , because I’m not ready, Miguel is obviously not interested, and I don’t anyone in town would have been prepared to forgive me for my sins. I saw the look of Simone face when the truth about Eve came out, and even as I write I can picture the look on yours, and it’s almost too painful to bear, so I can’t imagine the look on a child of mine’s face, if they ever knew half of what I’ve done.

And unfortunately, whenever I picture you, I picture a child with your dark hair, and gorgeous smile, and sadly enough for a few hours last night I saw that child had the grey you used to tell me where so special, and I felt my heart break a little more.

I’m going to be fine; I’m healthy, and almost completely sane. There’s a saying that my grandfather told me once. ‘When you can’t run, you crawl, and when you can’t crawl, you let someone carry you’. I’ve been carried most of my life, and I’ve spent the rest of it crawling toward something that wasn’t worth my time, it’s time I started running, I’m not exactly sure where or how long I’m running, but I think it’s time. I need to know that on my own two feet, I’m not this shallow little brat that I’ve been in Harmony. I know you understand, because once upon a time, you decided to try your hand at running.

So the second thing you should know is this, I think I’m in love with you, and because of that, I’m leaving, I don’t know how that makes sense but in my head it works. I wanted you to know that, because you should know that someone that doesn’t have to loves you, but I refuse to repeat my mistakes. I can’t be in love with you and be this screwed up it’s not fair to you and I refuse to cheat you out of anything you deserve.

Last but not least I want to thank you, for finding me that day, and sitting by me that night and all those other nights, for being my friend, for saving me. You’re my hero Antonio, but more then that you’re just Antonio. I hope one day you find a woman that that can love you, just because you’re Antonio, because he is a great man, a man truly worth of all the good this world has to give.
 

Kay