Looking back over the years Of all the things I've always meant to say But the words didn't come easily So many times through empty fears Of all the nights I tried to pick up the phone So scared of who might be answering.

Kay’s eyes focused on the white telephone sitting beside the floral sofa in the Bennett living room. She longed to hear his voice, just to say good night and wish him sweet dreams. Just to tell him that sh- Maria loved him and that she wanted to see him in the morning. Well, Maria was only three months old and Kay didn’t know what Maria wanted but she knew what she wanted, what was in her soul begging to break free.

She wanted to hear the velvety smooth voice of the only man she had ever loved and have him wrap her in his arms once more. He had been her first and her only and she wanted it to remain that way forever. The only man she ever wanted to sleep with was Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald. The only man she ever wanted to love her was one in the same.

That would never happen though, Kay thought as she picked up a cooing Maria and lovingly kissed the baby’s pale forehead. She would have to fight for the rest of her life to keep her feelings at bay. The only person she would live for and should live for now was the sleeping baby in her arms.

“It’ll be you and me baby girl.” Kay’s voice was barely above a whisper as she pulled the baby closer to her chest. “I’ll be strong for you, I promise.”

You try to live your life from day to day But seeing you across the room tonight Just gives me away

“Maria Ivy you get your little behind out here,” Kay bellowed.

Dark hair and dazzling blue eyes peeked from behind the bathroom door in their little apartment. “Yes Mommy?” The five year olds voice was squeaky as she guarded herself with the protection of the door. She knew that when her mother yelled, she meant business.

“Why didn’t you tell me that Charity needed you at the bridal shop today for a fitting?” Kay stood with her arms folded across her chest and an eyebrow raised.

Maria opened the door slowly and produced a wicked smile. “I forgot,” she said as she skipped out of the bathroom to the couch.

“You forgot? Maria Ivy this is not something that you just forget. Like it or not, your father is going to marry Charity and he wants you to be part of that special day.” Following her daughter to the second hand sofa, she sat beside Maria on the tattered blue fabric. The little girl frowned and took a deep breath.

“No fake tears.” Cupping her daughter’s face in her hands, Kay kissed Maria’s nose. Sighing, she drew the little girl into her lap. “I know that you don’t want Daddy to marry Charity.”

“Duh.” Maria rolled her eyes and sniffed back the tears that threatened to cascade down her tan cheeks.

“Don’t duh your mother sweetheart.” Gently rocking Maria in her arms, Kay stroked the little girl’s dark hair.

“I don’t like her Mommy. She pretends to be nice but I know that she don’t like you.” Maria curled herself onto Kay’s lap and allowed herself to be babied.

“Doesn’t,” Kay corrected through a sigh.

“That’s what I said,” Maria grumbled into Kay’s arms.

“Listen to me Little Miss.” Kay’s voice was soft as she pushed the dark locks out of her daughter’s eyes.
“What?” A pouting Maria looked up at her mother, her blue eyes full of tears.

“Your Daddy loves Charity very much,” she began.

“More than me?” came the muffled impish voice.

“Never,” Kay whispered kissing the little girl’s tear-stained face. “Your Daddy loves you more than he loves anyone else in the world.” Making sure that her eyes focused on her daughter’s Kay fought to reassure Maria of Miguel’s love. Her words of reassurance were words she had needed to hear as a teenager, they were words that needed to be spoken and not assumed. Not by a five year old at least.

“Really?” Big blue eyes blinked away tears that threatened.

“Yes really! Oh baby.” Fighting her own tears, Kay continued. “Daddy wants you to be a part of his and Charity’s wedding because he loves you so much. Just think, you get to wear a pretty dress and get your hair done in curls and wear flowers on your head.” No child should ever feel unloved by their parents, least of all her child, Kay thought as she played up the idea of being a flower girl.

“Do I get to throw rose petals?” A skeptical Maria asked allowing herself to be sidetracked.

“Of course.”

“O-ok. You’re gonna come too right Mommy?” Maria asked in more of a statement than a question.

Kay closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “I don’t think so my love.”

Cause the heart won't lie Sometimes life gets in the way But there's one thing that won't change I know I've tried The heart won't lie You can live your alibi Who can see you're lost inside a foolish disguise The heart won't lie

“She wants you to come to the wedding Kay.” Miguel stood leaning against the iron linked fence staring at Kay.

“We can’t always have what we want in life Miguel.” Kay’s eyes were fixated on Maria who was running around the browning grass of the park. Leaves encircled the playground and crushed under the feet of the laughing children.

“You’re it Ethan Martin!” cried Maria.

Miguel watched Kay, her eyes unblinking. Behind them were a lifetime of tears and of hurt and betrayal by everyone she had always loved. The only person who had ever loved her unconditionally was Maria. The little girl never had anything in her heart for her mother but love. Miguel sighed at the thought. He couldn’t break her heart with this. He couldn’t even mention it. “I want to see Maria more,” Miguel said as he watched Ethan Martin chase his daughter.

“There she is,” Kay said gesturing to Maria.

“I mean like every other weekend.” He fought to get the words out of his mouth. His daughter was growing up before his very eyes and he was missing every moment.

“You see her every weekend Miguel.” Kay took a deep breath knowing full well what Miguel meant. She couldn’t part with her daughter. She just couldn’t.

“I mean have her stay at the house with me and Charity after we’re married. I mean having her be there in the morning.” Miguel ran a hand through his thick black hair as the wind whipped around his face leaving his cheeks stinging with cold. “Kay do you realize that Maria is five years old and I have never spent a night with her under the same roof.”

Kay narrowed her eyes at Miguel. “That was of your own doing Miguel, not mine.” Venom spewed from her lips and fire unleashed from her eyes. “You had every chance in the world to be close to your daughter.”
“I know-“ beaten, Miguel withdrew. “What about if I just stayed at your apartment on Christmas Eve?” Kay’s eyes had returned to Maria and Miguel’s back on Kay. She had built a wall around herself, one that wouldn’t allow anyone but their daughter to love her.

Kay’s small frame began to shake as she sat on the cold earth. “You want to stay in my apartment?” she laughed. “Miss Goody-Goody wouldn’t like that.”

“Kay,” he sighed, “I just want to spend Christmas with my daughter. Is that too much to ask?” Frustrated, Miguel sat beside Kay.

“No,” she whispered. “No it’s not too much to ask.” She had five Christmas mornings to herself where she would have to call Miguel and wait for him to come over before Maria could open her presents. This year though, maybe her daughter would get to open her presents the minute she opened her eyes like most normal kids did. Her heart softened as she looked at Miguel. “You’re getting lines,” Kay said with half a smile as she touched the creases beside Miguel’s lips.

Miguel laughed softly. “They’re laugh lines,” he said as Kay traced the ones forming by his eyes and above his brows. “Crows feet and worry lines.”

“Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald, worry?” Feigning shock, Kay let her fingers touch run through Miguel’s hair. “Any grays?”

“Not yet,” he said getting lost in her smile.

Taking her hand away, Kay looked down at her hands. “I’m sorry,” she said forcing a smile. “What am I talking about the lines on your face,” she laughed. “I must look frightening.” She motioned to her torn jeans and ran a hand through her hair. “I’ve cancelled my appointment to get my hair cut for over six months and I can’t remember the last time I had a manicure.”

Miguel took Kay’s hand. “They’re not bad.”

She still quivered under his touch and got a shock of electricity when he came near her. Kay’s eyes met Miguel’s in a mix of confusion. She lowered her head in an attempt to break the tension between them but it was no use, Miguel had felt it too.
 

Long after tonight Will you still hear my voice through the radio Old desires make us act carelessly Long after tonight, after the fire After the scattered ashes fly Through the four winds blown and gone Will you come back to me
 

The Bennett house was decorated in green, red and gold. Ornaments hung on the seven foot spruce in the middle of the living room and lights twinkled brilliantly in the night. The fire crackled warming the cold December night as the not so quiet house bustled with the joy of Christmas.
Kay watched Maria as she ran and squealed around the house with her uncles in pursuit. As the only child, she was spoiled rotten by Jessica, Noah and Ethan. The lights twinkled on her face as Sam watched his oldest daughter. She had grown up much too soon and learned how hard life could be way too early. Letting out a sigh he wrapped an arm around her shoulder.

“She reminds me so much of you.” Placing a kiss on Kay’s head he watched as three of his children tickled Maria.

“Bite your tongue,” she whispered half-joking.

Sam hugged an arm a little tighter around Kay. She still had so many insecurities, so many regrets about her past and Sam knew that he had partially been responsible. He watched as Kay’s eyes lingered on top of the mantle where his and Grace’s wedding picture once was. Her eyes hazed over once again.

He opened his mouth to try and say something, anything to help her but the sound of knocking at the front door made him stop.

“I’ll get it.” Kay’s voice was soft as she looked up at her father. “It’s probably Miguel.”
Sam groaned.

“Daddy,” Kay scolded. “He’s Maria’s father.”

“And I’m your father,” he whispered as Kay opened the front door where Miguel stood. “And I don’t want you to get hurt again.” Sam watched as Kay and Miguel collected Maria’s toys. He hugged his granddaughter fiercely and whispered, “Leave Santa some extra cookies tonight.”

“I love you grandpa,” Maria squeaked as Miguel lifted her onto his shoulders.

“Merry Christmas Chief Bennett,” Miguel called as he opened the door for Kay, Maria and himself.

“Maybe it will be merry for my daughter this year,” he grumbled as the door closed behind them.

You try to love your life from day to day But seeing you across the room tonight Just gives me away

Miguel stood in Maria’s doorway and watched as the tiny child’s chest rose and fell beneath the pink flowered Barbie sheets. Dark curls clung to her face as the moonlight outlined her frame. Behind him Kay diligently arranged presents beneath the tree which barely reached his forehead.

Kay looked at the meager display. It was the best she could do on a nurse’s salary. Sighing, she looked up at Miguel whose eyes never faltered from Maria.

“I watch her most nights,” she whispered appearing beside his shoulder with a smile on her face.

“I can’t even explain what I’m feeling.” Taking his eyes off of his daughter for a brief moment, Miguel locked eyes with Kay.

“It’s like you want to hold her and protect her for the rest of her life but you know that you’re going to have to let go of her hand and let her fall a few times,” Kay whispered as her eyes glazed over. “It’s like you get this enormous amount of pride that wells up into your chest and you say a silent prayer to whoever is listening that her life turns out better than yours and that she’s a better person than you are.”

Miguel laughed and then thought for a moment. Slowly he realized that it wasn’t him that Kay wanted Maria to be better than, it was herself. Taking a deep breath he turned to face her. “Kay I pray every night that Maria is like you. That she lives like you and laughs like you and most of all,” he said backing away from the door and gently closing it. “Most of all I want her to love like you. Kay, you love with all of your heart and soul more than anyone I’ve ever met in my entire life.”

Kay bit her bottom lip and fought the tears which burned her throat. The urge to use his own words against him remained on her tongue. “Don’t,” she managed as she backed away. “Please don’t.”

She ran to her bedroom leaving Miguel standing beside the twinkling tree. Miguel looked down at the presents and remembered Christmas when he was a child. Christmas without a father and his mother having to run to work right after the gifts were all open. He closed his eyes and thanked God for small favors.

He stopped in front of Kay’s door and listened to her cry. He hadn’t meant to hurt her. She was the last person in the world that he had wanted to hurt. “Kay, please answer the door.” It was Christmas and she was crying and it was his fault. Miguel couldn’t have felt worse.

No answer.

“Please,” he begged resting his head on the cool wood. Deciding to try the knob, he opened the door to see Kay’s body beneath a soft down comforter. She was shaking with tears as he neared and sat beside her.

“Go away,” she said swatting the tears which continued to fall. “Please Miguel.”

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered trying to pull her closer. She fought his attempts but it was no use. She needed his touch and his warmth. “I’m so sorry Kay.”

“You want her to be like me?” she whispered hoarsely through her tears. “You never wanted me.” Her head now resting on his muscular chest she continued. “You never loved me. Why would you want our daughter to be like me?”

“Why?” he asked pushing the tears and hair from her face. “Kay do you really have to ask why?”

The moonlit fell on the two casting a heart-like shadow on the wall behind them. “You are the most amazing woman I have ever met in my entire life. I don’t know anyone else who would be able to put together Christmas for their child by themselves the way you put Christmas together for Maria year after year.”

Kay rolled her eyes and swatted the tears which wouldn’t stop falling. Miguel took Kay’s face in his hands and made her look at him. “You are the strongest woman I know.”

“That’s not hard,” Kay muttered as she stood from the bed.

“I know,” he relented. “Compared to Charity anyone is strong,” he sighed.

“No? Charity isn’t a strong person?” Kay asked feigning shock.

“Loving you scared me Kay,” Miguel admitted running a hand through his thick black hair.

Kay turned, her face half illuminated by the moonlight and half in the dark. “Loving me?” she scoffed. “You never loved me.” Her voice was soft and her breath warm as they stood face to face.

“When I was ten,” he whispered, “I thought that you were the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.” Miguel cupped her cheek with his hand. “You had these amazing blue eyes and a smile that lit up any room.” He took a deep breath and continued. “I loved the way you bit your lower lip when you were nervous, the way you’re doing now,” he laughed. “And I knew that I didn’t know that I was sleeping with you at first but when I realized that it was you that I had been with- Kay I don’t know it just – it felt right.”

“Miguel-“ There was so much he didn’t know. So much she hadn’t wanted him to know but needed to tell him.

“Kay, Charity and I… I told her I couldn’t marry her.” He lowered his forehead to hers. “She knew why. She knew I was still in love with you.”

“But Miguel, you don’t know… the things that I’ve done…” Kay tried to pull away from him, but Miguel’s hold on her was too strong.

“I know Kay.” Fighting to keep her near he said, “I heard you confess everything.”

“You what?” For more than five years she had kept everything inside frightened that the day that people found out what she had done they would turn on her the way her mother had. For more than five years she dreaded her past evil.

“I heard you in the chapel when Maria was in the hospital. I heard everything and decided that I didn’t care.”

“You did what?” Unsure of whether she should be angry or thrilled, Kay did something uncommon; she stayed quiet.

“I heard you… you were so afraid. You prayed that you would do anything if Maria would be ok.” It was Miguel’s turn for the moonlight to strike his body casting shadows on his tight t-shirt and muscular frame. “That night I decided that I couldn’t hate you because you would have given your own life to protect her.”

“She’s my baby,” Kay answered after a long silence. “She will always be my baby.”

Miguel let out a sigh. “I love you Kay.”

“Don’t say things you don’t mean Miguel.” She wanted not to love him. She wanted to turn away from him and have him leave her life forever. That wasn’t possible though. She would always be bound to him not only because of the daughter that they shared but because her heart and her life would always be entangled with Miguel’s no matter how hard either of them fought it.

“I love you Kay,” he repeated as he reached out to her. “I love you.” His face was inches from Kay’s once more.

“I’ve fought loving anyone but Maria for so long Miguel…” he was holding her once more and for the first time, Kay wasn’t fighting.

“No matter how hard I try my heart always returns to you.” Miguel’s lips were inches from Kay’s when she pulled away. “No,” she whispered. “Please just go sleep on the couch Miguel. Please…”
Beaten, Miguel let out a sigh. “I’ll do whatever you want.” Leaving her standing in the moonlight, Miguel took his place on the couch.

Kay lay awake waiting and stared at the ceiling. “I need three ghosts to come and visit me tonight,” she said to the cool December air. “I need to know how to set my life right.”

“You’ve already done that Kay. No ghosts needed.” A bright white light illuminated Kay’s bedroom and the Angel Girl stood before Kay. With her chestnut tendrils that hung to her waist shining in golden light, she neared Kay. “You set your life right.”

Kay snorted as she sat up indian-style on her bed. “Maria is the only thing that I have ever done right in my life.”

“Letting Miguel go was another,” the Angel pointed out, her wings gently flapping behind her.

“What good did it do any of us? He’s miserable, Charity’s probably miserable, I’m more confused than I’ve ever been… Did you know that he knew all of the awful things I did? He knew and he never told me he knew.”
She jumped up from her bed and began to pace the plush blue carpet.

“And he loves you anyway Kay. He knows what you did and he still chose you.” The soft voice of the Angel Girl fluttered through the room warming Kay’s heart.

“He chose me…”

In the same swoosh of light that had brought her in, the Angel Girl was gone again leaving Kay alone once more. “Ok so the ball is in my court once more,” she whispered with her hand on the doorknob.

Miguel was crunched into a fetal position on her small loveseat with his knees in his chest sleeping restlessly. Kay couldn’t help but feel bad but be amused at the same time.

She knelt on the floor and ran her fingers through his jet black hair waiting for his hazel eyes to flutter open.

“I’m in heaven,” he whispered kissing her hand.

“No, but if you hurt me or Maria I promise to kill you,” she laughed as he sat upright and pulled her into an embrace.

“I love you Kay Bennett.”

“I love you Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald.” Their lips met in a fiery collision as golden light filled their daughter’s room.

“I told you that you just had to be good to get what you wanted for Christmas,” the Angel said.

Maria smiled a wicked smile from her bedroom door as she watched her parents on the sofa. “Next year I want a baby sister,” she said as the Angel ushered her away and closed the door.

The Angel laughed. “We may not have to wait that long,” she muttered to herself as Maria climbed back into bed.

 
*song credits "The Heart Don't Lie" by Vince Gill and Reba McIntyre