Honestly Love You (PASH: Russells/Chad)-Chap. 14
by caroline crane
 

Chad looked up expectantly as the door to the Book Cafe swung open and an excited Ethan burst in. "What's up?" he asked as Ethan stopped in front of him, his breathing a little ragged. "Whatever you have to tell me must be important. What'd you do, run all the way here?"

"Hank called," Ethan said triumphantly, as though that single piece of information was the answer to all Chad's worries. "He wants to give us a progress report."

"What else did he say?" Chad asked warily. He had a sneaking suspicion that Ethan was getting excited over nothing, but he couldn't bring himself to put a damper on his friend's spirits. Ethan had enough problems these days with his family breathing down his neck to break things off with Theresa, and Chad didn't want to be just another burden.

"Nothing, he wanted to tell us both together. He'll be here any minute," Ethan answered, glancing around the room to see if Hank had beaten him there.

"Relax, man, he's not here yet," Chad said, suppressing a smirk at Ethan's enthusiasm. At least he was getting some kind of enjoyment out of Hank's search for Chad's birth parents. Maybe it was just the distraction he needed from his own problems, and Ethan could definitely use a distraction right now. "He could have no news, you know."

"Nonsense." Ethan dismissed the notion with a wave of his hand. "If he had nothing to report he'd have said so and hung up the phone. He wants a meeting, that means he knows something."

"Whatever you say. Just don't go getting your hopes up too much."

Ethan made a face at Chad but quickly forgot his friend's annoying pessimism as the cafe door opened again and Beth walked in, followed by Hank. He walked purposefully toward them, putting on his best lawyer face as he stopped in front of Hank. "Good to see you," he said, sticking his hand out. Hank smirked but took his hand and shook it. "What do you have for us?"

"Why don't we take a seat?" Hank suggested, gesturing toward an open table.

"Go ahead, Chad, I'll cover the counter," Beth said as her eyes fell on her employee. He was trying to keep his cool, but she could tell he was about to crawl out of his skin waiting to hear what she and Hank had dug up.

"Thanks, Beth," he breathed as he brushed past her to join the other men at their table. She smiled and shook her head, letting her gaze linger on Hank for just a moment. He caught her eye and smiled and she felt a sudden surge of pride - the way he'd taken charge and found clues to Chad's past where no one else had been able to amazed her, and she had to remind herself that Hank had always been full of surprises.

Even in high school he'd always been stronger and more resourceful than anyone had given him credit for, keeping her afloat more times than she cared to remember. It seemed so silly now that she'd fallen apart over Luis every time they broke up, but he'd never made her feel like a dumb girl when she came to him in tears, begging for reassurance that she wasn't worthless without Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald in her life. It had been Hank that had first made her realize that Luis was all wrong for her, and that she'd never be happy spending the rest of her life with a guy like him. He had a serious hero complex, and unfortunately Beth wasn't the kind of girl that needed constant rescuing. Without that particular character trait she could never hope to hold his attention, and as she got older and realized how incompatible they were she loved Hank even more for helping her get over him way back then.

Now Sheridan, she was in serious need of rescue. She was exactly Luis' type, Beth thought, a wry smile curving her lips. She was too high maintenance for Hank, though, and Beth was just as glad that he hadn't been that broken up over her choosing Luis. She rolled her eyes automatically at the thought of the age-old contest between Hank and Luis over any woman that either of them happened to be interested in. What is it with men? She wondered as she wiped the counter and started washing the afternoon dishes.

Thankfully she'd never been a victim of Hank and Luis' tug of war - as Hank's oldest friend she'd been excluded from their frequent displays of machismo. At the time it had made her feel special, the only girl considered as a true equal by the two most popular guys at Harmony High. But now that she was older she couldn't help wondering if it had been because she and Hank were always close, or if he just didn't find her attractive. After all, Luis hadn't wasted any time adding her to his list, but Hank hadn't made a move to break them up. In fact, he'd supported her through every moment of their rollercoaster ride of a relationship. She sighed and pushed her hair out of her eyes as she told herself that it didn't matter whether or not Hank had been attracted to her in high school. He was her best friend, and she wasn't going to jeopardize that for anything.

Hank tore his eyes away from Beth's back as Ethan cleared his throat and flipped open his briefcase. He glanced over at the younger man and raised his eyebrows as Ethan took a legal pad and pen out of the case and set them on the table, posed to make notes as Hank informed them of his latest findings. He glanced across the table at Chad but the subject of their investigation just shrugged indulgently and leaned forward.

"So what's the story, did you find something out about my folks?"

"Look, I'll be honest with you guys. These kinds of situations are usually pretty complicated. After all, most people that give up their kids don't want to be found, so it's not exactly easy to track them down. Especially in your case, Chad. You don't even have a birth certificate to go on. But I think I might have a lead."

"Well, what is it?" Ethan barked, tapping his pen impatiently.

"I found an article in the Harmony Gazette from around the time Chad was most likely born," Hank said, his hands curling into fists as he tried to hold his temper. When it came to Ethan Crane that was no easy feat, but the money was good and Hank had learned enough to be invested in Chad's story. "20 years ago there was a car crash a few miles north of here. There were two people in the car, the driver and a baby. Both were taken to Mercy Hospital in Fairview, but no one could identify either of them. Long story short, the driver died suddenly and not long after the baby disappeared. I think the kid might have been you, Chad."

"How can you be so sure the baby was Chad?" Ethan asked, raising his eyebrows skeptically.

"Look, Ethan, this isn't all going to be about facts and arguments," Hank said carefully. "I know it's hard for you but you're going to have to try not to think like a lawyer when it comes to Chad's past. There's no proof yet that the baby was Chad, it's just a feeling I have. The details fit, and the baby was black. I spoke to a man today that saw pictures of the kid when he was brought to the hospital."

"So what's next?" Chad asked, glancing warily at Ethan. He appreciated everything his friend was doing for him, but the last thing he needed was for Ethan to make Hank mad enough to quit the case. He'd found out more in a few days that Chad had been able to dig up in over a year.

"I haven't been able to get much out of the hospital," Hank admitted, "but I'm going to go talk to some of the employees that were there when the baby was brought in. And I want to talk to the photographer that took the pictures. I just have to track him down."

"What's his name? I'm sure one of my contacts can find him," Ethan said.

"Orville Perkins," Hank said, watching as Ethan jotted the name down in his legal pad. When he glanced up at Chad his eyes were wide and his skin had taken on an ashen cast. "Chad, buddy, you okay?"

"I know him," Chad breathed, his mind reeling. "He's that crazy old bastard that burned my birth certificate."

~

Whitney let herself in the front door of her house, grateful that for once the place seemed to be empty. All day long she'd been distracted by thoughts of Julian Crane - something about the way he'd spoken to her that morning just didn't add up. Theresa had told her that Mr. Crane was okay, that he was kind of sarcastic but he'd always been nice to her. At the time Whitney had just assumed it was Theresa being her naive self, but now she wasn't so sure. Everything her parents had ever told her about Julian and the rest of the Cranes made her believe the whole family was evil incarnate, but how could that be true? Sheridan had been nothing short of wonderful to her, and even Ethan was a pretty level-headed person, despite his inability to make a decision when it came to his love life.

And now Julian Crane, the man her father hated more than anyone or anything in this world, the one name that could send either of her parents into a blind rage - that same man had given her a glimpse into some private pain that she was sure he kept hidden from the rest of the world. Maybe it was because she was a total stranger, he'd just let his guard down for a moment but in that instant she saw clearly how much his mother's death must have affected him. It was strange how she felt so close to him when they hadn't done more than exchanged a few polite words. Still, he hadn't seemed the monster that she'd always taken him for - on the contrary, he'd seemed almost gentle.

She glanced toward the stereo and walked toward it without thinking, automatically reaching for the CD Chad had given her for her birthday last year. She still remembered the look on his face as she'd taken the gift, the mixture of hope and trepidation that she knew was her fault. If only she'd been able to tell him how much he meant to her then, maybe they wouldn't be where they were now. She slid the CD into the player and pressed play, biting her lip to keep back tears as she forwarded to track seven and let the room fill with the mournful sounds of heartbreaking blues.

You're making me blue

All that you do

Seems unfair

You try not to hear

Turn a deaf ear

To my prayer

When he'd given her the CD her first thought had been one of sheer terror - she'd just begun to admit to herself that she had feelings for him, and he'd taken every opportunity to push the envelope. The CD had been the icing on the cake, of course. He'd remembered the way the sound of Billie Holiday's voice had affected her the first time she'd heard it, and he'd scribbled a note on the gift to remind her of how powerful music could be.

It seems you don't want to see

What you are doing to me

My arms are waiting to caress you

And to my heart they long to press you, sweetheart

She sighed and let her tears fall as she lost herself in the music. Many times since she'd first heard this song she'd wondered how her parents could shun music so easily - actually, it was more her mother than her father that seemed to think anything besides classical music was a bad influence. She'd caught her father listening to jazz more than once in his office, and he'd sheepishly admitted to her at the time that he kept his own music in his office where it wouldn't annoy Eve.

My heart is sad and lonely

For you I cry

For you, dear, only

I tell you I mean it

I'm all for you

Body and soul

If it wasn't for Chad coming into her life she'd probably never have heard Billie Holiday, she reminded herself. He'd introduced her to so many things that she'd never have discovered on her own, calling her on her own inability to put herself ahead of her parents' hopes and dreams for her. Would she ever have known what it was like to love someone so recklessly if he hadn't found her when he did? She'd welcome the ache in her heart if it meant that she could see him look at her with love in his eyes again, but now that she was finally ready to throw caution to the wind and let him love her, he couldn't even look at her.

I spend my days in longing

And wondering it's me you're wronging
Why haven't you seen it

I'm all for you

Body and soul

Maybe she wasn't ready to throw herself completely into the idea of love, she thought as she wiped her wet cheeks savagely. Maybe Chad was right, maybe she'd spend the rest of her life hiding from her feelings like the scared little girl she'd always been. Maybe she'd never find someone to make her feel completely free, to break through the wall she'd built around her emotions. And now...now she was giving up everything, her education, her friends, her life...to concentrate on a game. A game, that's all it was. Tennis didn't mean as much to her anymore as she thought it did, but she couldn't bring herself to disappoint her father.

I can't believe it

It's hard to conceive it

That you'd turn away romance
Are you pretending>br?
Don't say it's the ending>br?
I wish I could have one more chance to prove, dear

My life a hell you're making

You know I'm yours for just the taking

I'd gladly surrender

Myself to you

Body and soul

But was she really willing to disappoint her mother by following her heart and begging Chad to give her another chance? She kept telling herself that she was, that she was 18 years old and it was time to start living her life the way she wanted to, but every time she looked into her mother's eyes and saw the sadness there that never completely faded she knew she couldn't do it. There was something about both her parents that always froze her in her tracks the moment she thought of defying them, some sadness around their eyes and in their smiles that made her heart ache. She'd always tried to be perfect so that they'd never have a reason to look at her with that regret, but as much as she tried to please them the look never really faded, not completely.

Life's dreary for me

Days seem to be long as years

I've looked for the sun

But can see none

Through my tears

Your heart must be like a stone

To leave me like this alone

When you could make my life worth living

By taking what I'm set on giving, sweetheart

Even taking a few riding lessons with Sheridan was causing her mother pain, she hadn't admitted it but Whitney could see it any time she mentioned Sheridan or her time at the mansion. Her father seemed pleased with her new friendship, but at the same time his eyes always clouded a little when she brought up Sheridan. During their practices lately he'd seemed just as distracted as she was, and she'd begun to wonder which one of them wanted to be there less. She couldn't imagine the disappointment in her parents' faces if they found out she'd been speaking to Mr. Crane, even just in passing.

My heart is sad and lonely

For you I cry

For you, dear, only

I tell you I mean it

I'm all for you

Body and soul

As the last refrain resounded through the living room she sank down onto the couch, pulling her knees up to her chin and pressing her forehead against them. Her thoughts jumbled together in a confusing mess, memories of Chad and her parents fading into visions of the far-off look in Julian's eyes when he'd spoken of his mother that morning. She wondered if anyone in the world had ever felt this confused, or if it was possible to really die of a broken heart.

~

Eve let herself in the kitchen door and stopped dead in her tracks as the sound of Billie Holiday floated in from the living room. She reminded herself to breathe and cursed Chad Harris for ever giving Whitney that damn CD. Ever since he'd given it to her she'd been trying to find a way to discourage Whitney from listening to it, partly because it obviously reminded her daughter of Chad but also because it took Eve back 26 years to a day when she sang this very song herself in a smoky, depressing little bar in Boston. Every time she found Whitney listening to it she got closer and closer to just throwing the damn thing away, but she had no wish to explain that to either her daughter or T.C.

She set her purse down on the counter and leaned against the island, her eyes floating closed as she let the music wash over her. At one time this had been one of her favorite songs, she'd practically worn holes in her vinyl copy of the album. She used to sing along to Billie Holiday for hours in her shabby little one-room apartment, imagining herself as a great Blues singer, gracing stages all over Europe and leading a glamorous life. That dream had died with her son, she reminded herself as her eyes flew open and she steeled herself against the mournful song.

The minute Julian walked into her life everything changed, first her dreams of being a famous Blues singer had faded, and later her dream of becoming Mrs. Julian Crane had died an agonizing death. She still remembered the day she read about his marriage to Ivy in the Boston Herald, a familiar ache gathering in her stomach as though it had just happened yesterday. He hadn't even waited to see if she was alright after their son died, he hadn't come to visit her or even called to inquire about her plans for the future. For all he knew she'd crawled back to the rock he'd found her under, and he obviously didn't care. When Alistair came to visit her in the hospital she'd been furious at first - he'd tried to bribe her to give up her child, and when that hadn't worked he'd somehow managed to convince Julian that she wasn't good enough for him.

When he'd offered to pay her college tuition anyway she'd laughed in his face - she still remembered the words she'd said to him. "You can't keep us apart by bribing me, Mr. Crane. I love your son, and if he wants us to be together you won't be able to stop us. You don't own him."

"I'm afraid you underestimate my influence over my son," Alistair had breathed in his low, menacing voice. "Being a Crane bears more responsibility than you could possibly imagine. Has my son come to see you since...the unfortunate incident?"

Eve had felt a stab in her chest then, the defiance in her eyes crumbling as she wondered again why Julian hadn't come. "Not yet," she'd admitted in a weak voice.

"I see. I'm afraid you have your answer to the question of which Julian values more, you and your child or his place in the family. Take my advice, Eve. Take the money, it's the only help anyone's going to offer someone of your social standing."

With that he'd disappeared, but a few days after she was released from the hospital a messenger had arrived at her door with a registered letter. Inside she'd found a check for 100,000 dollars, and she'd cashed it without a second thought. If Julian was going to cast her aside so easily she'd at least make a life for herself.

Eve sighed and pushed away the years of guilt and shame as she forced her mind to go blank. After all, she'd had years of practice denying her past, she could shut out a song that brought back ancient ghosts. She blinked rapidly and told herself she wasn't going to cry. She was going to make dinner for her family, and later she was going to fall asleep next to the most wonderful husband in the world, and everything would be fine.

The song is Body and Soul by Billie Holiday (obviously!)