Honestly Love You (PASH: Russells/Chad)-Chap. 16
by caroline crane
 

Chad felt his throat begin to tighten as Sheridan ushered Whitney out of the Book Café. He'd gone from soaring spirits to feeling like the world's biggest jerk in a matter of minutes, and all because of a girl that didn't believe in him. He shook his head and reminded himself of the reason he'd been so cold to her - she'd actually believed that he could use another human being and then throw her away, shirk his responsibilities the way his own parents had done to him. What was worse was that she didn't even have any proof, she'd just wanted to believe it. She'd wanted to believe the worst about him so she wouldn't have to deal with what was happening between them. "Past tense," he muttered under his breath as he turned back to the counter.

"Chad? You okay, buddy?"

Chad turned to look into the eyes of Hank Bennett. He forced himself to smile and nod. "Yeah, sure. Why?"

"You were talking to yourself," Hank answered in a low voice. "Whenever I start talking to myself it usually means girl trouble."

Chad laughed and turned away a little so Hank wouldn't see the flash of pain in his eyes. "No, nothing like that. So what's up? You here to deliver more news?"

"Actually, I was looking for Beth. Thought I'd take her out to dinner to thank her for keeping me company."

Chad nodded knowingly and leveled a stern glare at Hank. "Seems to me it's a little bit more than thanking her for the company."

"What are you talking about?"

"Come on, man, I've seen the way you look at her. Same way she looks at you."

A sheepish grin crept across Hank's face as he met Chad's gaze. "We've been friends forever."

"Doesn't mean it can't turn into something more. You should go for it, man. She's totally into you."

Hank's expression turned serious and he leaned across the counter toward Chad. "And you, my friend, should take your own advice."

Chad's eyes clouded for a moment and he looked down, but when he met Hank's gaze again they were clear. "Yeah, well, sometimes it's not that easy. Anyway, Beth's not here. Took the night off, she said something about going home listening to those Sinatra CDs of hers and soaking in a hot tub."

Hank's eyes lit up at the thought of Beth in a tub, but he quickly composed himself and straightened up. "Well, I'd hate to be the one to take her away from a whole evening of relaxation. Guess I'll put my time to good use instead. Luis did a little digging for me and found out where Orville's been living. It's a retirement home a couple towns over, maybe I'll drop by and see what I can dig up."

Chad's eyes got a little wider at the mention of Orville and he reached around his back to untie his apron. "Mind some company?"

Hank shrugged and glanced around the café. "Not at all. But aren't you working?"

"Bridget can close for me," he said as he headed toward a girl clearing tables at the back of the store. "Just give me a minute."

~

Whitney wiped away tears as she stepped into the bright warmth of Sheridan's cottage. The older woman patted her back comfortingly and guided her toward the couch. "Sit and try to calm down a little. I'll go put on some water for tea."

All Whitney could manage was a small nod as she sank onto the couch, trying to steady her breathing. Her mind was clouded with a hundred different thoughts - her family, Chad, tennis, going away to college - every one that crossed her mind filled her with more and more fear, until finally all she could do was make herself as small as possible in the corner of Sheridan's couch and wait for the trembling to pass.

When Sheridan finally reappeared with a tray laden with a teapot and two cups Whitney had stopped crying, but her face was pale and drawn and the trembling had only subsided a little. Sheridan sank down next to her and put her arm around the younger girl's shoulders. Whitney collapsed against Sheridan, her eyes filling with fresh tears as she leaned against her and began to cry again.

Sheridan sighed and stroked Whitney's long hair as she waited for her to calm down enough to talk about what was bothering her. Judging from the way Chad had been staring at her she imagined it had something to do with him, but she promised herself she wouldn't jump to any conclusions. She'd never seen Whitney when she didn't look heartbroken, so anything could have set her off. Finally she felt her friend stiffen and pull away, wiping her eyes as she smiled apologetically.

"I'm sorry, Sheridan," she said, her voice thick with emotion. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

"It's okay, you don't have to apologize," Sheridan assured her. "I want to help, if I can."

Whitney shook her head and looked down at her hands. "There's nothing anyone can do. I made a stupid mistake and hurt someone I care about. But it's probably for the best."

Sheridan narrowed her eyes as she wondered how Whitney's heartbreak could possibly be in anyone's best interests. "Is this about Chad?" she asked gently, hoping she wasn't overstepping the bounds of their friendship. So far they hadn't really discussed anything personal, Sheridan spent their riding lessons teaching her about horses and Whitney didn't talk much at all.

Whitney's head snapped up and she met Sheridan's eyes with an expression that almost looked like fear. "Chad? No, of course not. Chad and I aren't even speaking."

"I know, I thought that might be why you're crying," Sheridan urged gently. "Whitney, it's okay. You don't have to pretend not to have feelings for him with me. I know what it's like to fight your feelings for somebody, and it's not fun. You can trust me."

A pair of sincere blue eyes stared back at Whitney and she knew somehow that she really could trust Sheridan. Somehow without ever really talking about their pasts she could sense that they shared the same kind of upbringing, the same desperate fear of letting down their families. She took a deep breath and clenched her fists, preparing for the first time to say out loud the secret pain she'd held in her heart for so long.

"It's just so hard, living up to everyone's expectations," she whispered, pressing her palms against her temples as she felt a headache begin to surface. "Daddy wants me to be the tennis star that he never was, and Mom...well, she just wants me to be as perfect as she is. Simone hates me because she thinks I stole Chad from her, and Chad won't even speak to me." His image floated into her mind and she opened her eyes, unwilling to see the hurt and betrayal in his eyes. "I deserve it, I accused him of something so unthinkable, something he'd never do. And now he hates me."

Sheridan smiled sadly and handed Whitney a hot cup of tea. "Here, this will help settle you down. It's chamomile." She picked up her own cup and settled back against the couch, watching Whitney for a few minutes before speaking again. "Well, now I know what your family expects of you. But what do you want for yourself?"

"What?" Whitney stared at her, steam from the tea curling around her face as she leaned over the cup. She barely noticed the sensation of heat against her skin as she considered Sheridan's question.

"You've told me what your parents want for you. I think every parent hopes that somehow their children will do what they couldn't. But you haven't said what would make you happy. Surely there must be something."

Whitney sighed and turned over the thought in her mind. She'd been alive for eighteen years, but she'd never really stopped to consider that she could do something for herself. "I don't know," she finally admitted. "I don't think I've every really been happy."

"Come on, you must fantasize sometimes about what your future will be like. Everyone does that. Don't tell me that even when you were a little girl you didn't have a picture of the perfect future."

She shook her head no, but as she did an ancient memory came flooding back to her, and a smile began to tug at the corners of her lips. "There was this one time, when I was seven or eight..." She trailed off, lost in the memory. She'd been standing on the beach, staring out into the horizon, watching the fishing boats come in with the day's catch. The salt air whipped through her hair and clung to her skin, and in that moment she'd felt completely free for the first time in her life. She remembered thinking in that moment that she'd like to be out there someday, just sailing aimlessly, never looking back as she explored the world beyond the horizon. "It's silly."

"It's okay to be silly sometimes, Whitney," Sheridan said quietly. Her heart broke as she watched Whitney's smile turn wistful - she'd seen that look so many times in the mirror, when she was wishing for something she thought she'd never have. "You're the only person that can make you happy. But first you have to decide what you want out of life. You don't have to decide all at once, but if you take the first steps, eventually the rest will fall into place."

Whitney's smile widened then, and she glanced up almost shyly. "When I was a little girl I wanted to sail the world."

"See? That's not silly," Sheridan said, returning her smile. "In fact, if you like I can teach you how to sail. I can't remember the last time anyone's taken the yacht out."

For a moment Whitney's eyes lit up, but her face fell suddenly and she shook her head. "Mom would hate it. She'd say it was too dangerous. I better not."

Sheridan sighed as she realized just how hard it was going to be to draw Whitney out of her shell. She liked Eve, but in that moment she could have strangled her for breaking her daughter's spirit with her overprotectiveness. "Okay. But let me know if you change your mind," she said, reaching out and taking one of Whitney's hands in her own. She gave it a gentle squeeze and was rewarded with the return of Whitney's unguarded smile.

"Thanks, Sheridan."

"Don't mention it." The doorbell rang and they both looked up, startled by the sudden intrusion of sound. "I'll be right back," Sheridan promised as she let go of Whitney's hand and crossed to her front door. She pulled it open to reveal Luis.

"Luis, what are you doing here?"

"I just finished a shift at the Youth Center and I couldn't wait to see you," he admitted sheepishly, leaning forward and kissing her cheek softly. When he pulled away he caught a glimpse of Whitney out of the corner of his eye, pulling on her jacket. "Hi, Whitney."

"Hey, Luis. Sheridan, thanks for the tea. I better get home, my parents will be wondering where I am."

"Are you sure you're okay?" Sheridan asked as she watched Whitney collect her purse and pull her hair out of the collar of her jacket.

"I'm fine. Thanks again." She brushed past the two of them, turning back once to smile at Sheridan before she disappeared into the evening air.

As soon as she was gone Sheridan closed the door and turned around to glare at Luis. "You scared her."

"Me, scare Whitney?" Luis glanced back over his shoulder in the direction Whitney had disappeared. "Sheridan, I've known her since she was in diapers."

"That's not what I meant, Luis," Sheridan said gently, taking his hand and leading him to the couch. "It's just that she was upset, and she's not used to letting people see her emotions like that. She was probably embarrassed."

"She was upset and she came to you?"

Sheridan laughed. "Why is that so surprising?"

An embarrassed smile curved Luis' lips and he stared into her beautiful blue eyes. "I didn't mean it like that, just that she usually goes to Theresa with her problems. They've been best friends their whole lives."

"I think Theresa's a little caught up in her own life right now," Sheridan reminded him, not wanting to bring up a touchy subject but unwilling to lie to him. "Whitney needed someone who could listen and be objective."

"Well, she's lucky to have you," he whispered, leaning forward and brushing his lips against hers. Sheridan returned the kiss eagerly, smiling against him as she reminded herself just how lucky she was. When they finally separated she looked into his eyes and her expression turned serious.

"I'm sorry we didn't find the answers you were looking for in the house the other day," she said softly.

"Sheridan, it's okay. There's nothing there to tie your family to my father's disappearance. That's a good thing," he reminded her, telling himself that he believed it.

She took a deep breath and glanced down at their entwined hands, wondering if she was going to regret what she was about to say. Finally she steeled herself against the nervousness welling up inside of her and looked him in the eye. "There's one more place we haven't looked."

~

Simone let out a sigh and flopped down on her bed. Her parents were downstairs right now, beside themselves with worry about where Whitney had gone, and they hadn't even noticed that she was miserable. As usual. They didn't care that her best friend was obsessed with Miguel, or that the man she loved was in love with her sister, or that she had absolutely no life. Her senior year was halfway over and she was completely miserable, and no one seemed to notice, not even her mother.

Eve had always been the one to know when something was bothering Simone; when T.C. would get tunnel vision about Whitney's tennis career and forget that he even had another daughter, Eve was there to distract her with trips to the mall and mother-daughter evenings out with Grace and Kay. They'd been happy back then, before the summer between their sophomore and junior years, when everything had changed.

Simone still remembered the exact moment her life had started to unravel, and it was all Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald's fault. She was still furious that something that had never even involved her was ruining everything around her, but she was helpless to stop it. All sophomore year Miguel had been flirting with Kay more than usual, finally noticing that underneath the ratty baseball uniform and major league attitude there was a real live girl. And Kay had eaten it up, reveling in the attention. She'd been so sure that Miguel was falling for her that when Charity showed up she felt like the rug had been yanked right out from under her.

Then to find out that Charity was her cousin - that was the last straw. But it was still okay, because Simone was there to help Kay pick up the pieces. At least that's what she thought she was doing, but somewhere along the way Kay had become totally obsessed with breaking them up - so obsessed that she didn't care about anything else anymore. She didn't even care about Simone, and that was what hurt the most. Getting Chad to pretend he was in love with her and lying to Whitney about that girl being pregnant...Kay swore that she did it out of loyalty to Simone, but she knew better. They both did. Kay had done it for purely selfish reasons, to get Simone to help her on her mission to destroy what Miguel and Charity had. And now they were both alone, and Simone couldn't even talk to Kay because she was still so far gone on her mission to snag Miguel.

Through all of it she'd harbored the not-so-secret hope that eventually Chad would stop seeing her as the nice kid that helped him out his first day in town and see her for the woman she was becoming. She squeezed her eyes shut and let her arm fall across her face. It was all so humiliating, the way she'd thrown herself at him a million different ways, only to find out that he'd fallen in love with her older sister. Perfect Whitney, the beauty of the family, the tennis star, daddy's little girl. It was sickening.

Simone stood up and walked toward the mirror, taking in her muscular frame and her too-full lips. She made a face at the way her eyes sat a little too close together, and the way her forehead started just a little too high. Her hair wasn't as pretty as Whitney's, and as hard as she tried she'd never have Whitney's lithe, graceful frame. She had what her father called a gymnast's body, but she'd always thought she looked more like a linebacker.

"You're ugly," she hissed at her reflection. "Why would Chad ever want you? Just face it, Whitney's perfect and you're an afterthought, and it's always going to be that way. Even your own mother doesn't notice you're around." She sighed again and turned away from the mirror, unwilling to stare anymore at the miserable creature staring back at her.