Stepping Stones-6

Kay watched Chad from the corner of her eye. He seemed more relaxed then he had been yesterday and she was glad for that. She relaxed also. She didn’t know what she was supposed to be doing here. She couldn’t just sit around doing nothing, because when she wasn’t busy, she ended up thinking. She didn’t want to think, it took her back to the spoiled little brat that she had been. Kay chuckled, it had only been a few months since her mother had thrown her out, but she had grown up quickly. In fact it would be hard to reconcile that brat with the face in the mirror now. Somehow she still seemed to making the same stupid moves no matter how hard she tried.

The kiss last night was an example of her stupidity in the extreme. What had she been thinking, ok that was a no-brainer? Chad had responded at first. Kay thought wistfully as the memory of his lips and the feel of his body against her flashed through her mind. Not that there was a chance of it ever happening again. Chad had definitely made sure of that. She sure as heck didn’t want it happening again. No way, nope.

Chad stretched out his tired body and groaned. He was going to have to talk to her today. He needed to talk to her and tell her that she was going to be here all alone. Which was a good thing, really. He wouldn’t be here to jump on her again. Of course that wasn’t ever going to happen again. Ever. First he needed to make sure she wasn’t frightened to be alone. Her nightmares had not been getting any better. He hoped she would be able to sleep without him there. Stop it. You have to get back to your life. There is no other way.
 

She was wrong apparently. Chad was more acting more uptight then yesterday. She couldn’t understand why he was so upset. If he wanted her to go, all he needed to do was to say the word. She felt safe here, she had become cynical enough not to depend on the kindness of strangers. She was accepting Chad’s charity with skepticism.

She knew Chad would never hurt her. The thing was, he couldn’t control life or the actions of others.

What if he did want her to leave? She felt of sliver of pain at that thought. What would she do? She wouldn’t be weak and foolish and start crying. No she would hold her head up and thank him for his kindness. Then she would be on her way, living her life alone. She would forget about her irrational attraction to Chad. She’d forget about that kiss. She’d live the peace she’d found in this cabin. She’d walk away, maybe even leave Maine this time.

She had her soul back. She had good instincts and she was smart. She would survive. She just didn’t know if she wanted to be alone again.

Kay looked up, her heart racing as Chad moved toward her with a determined step. “Stiffen your spine girl.” She could almost hear her Grandfather’s voice. She was a Bennett, nothing knocked them down.
 

“Kay I think we need to talk.” Chad saw the fear flash in her eyes before she slid on a mask and gave him a bland smile. He wondered how badly this would screw up whatever friendship they had left.

“Tomorrow is Monday.” Kay nodded so Chad continued. “I have to go back to work at the Book Café, so I’ll be going back to Harmony tonight.” Chad missed the confusion on her face. “You’re welcome to stay here as long as possible. I just won’t be here the rest of the week.” She wasn’t saying anything. She wasn’t sure if silence was a good sign.

“So…what do you think?” Chad’s question seemed to break her out of a trance.

“So, Um…You’re going back to Harmony tonight?”

“Yeah.”

“And you want me to stay here?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?” Kay didn’t understand why her question seemed to startle Chad so much. He must have, he should have been expecting the question. Why wouldn’t he have been expecting the question? He’d lived on his own long enough to be skeptical.

Chad couldn’t stop his mind from whirling. She didn’t trust him. Why would she? A few years ago, before Harmony he would have understood. Not now though. He knew he was a Crane and she was a Bennett. That still didn’t explain her lack of trust. She’d been around him long enough to know him, right?

“Why not?” Kay could have sworn that his tone was cooler then before. It was almost defensive. He confused her, he didn’t comprehend what she was trying to say. She did not want to spell it out for him.

“Why are you helping ME?” The slight pleading quality of her voice had Chad’s eyes widen but she continued before he could interrupt.

“I don’t want to just be some charity case. I won’t be.” As she nervously fidgeted her eyed focused on a spot to the left of Chad’s ear.

“I’m sure you’ve heard a lot of things about me.” Chad nodded cautiously not sure where this was going.

“Most of it is probably true.” Kay paused and she stood up. She walked over to the window and stared out into the woods.

“I’m not a nice person. I’m not a good person. I’ve done a lot of stupid things. I’ve done some evil things.” Kay’s trembling voice fell silent again but Chad was wrong when he thought she was done.

“Why are you helping me Chad? I need to know.” Kay wasn’t sure if Chad realized how true those words were. This wasn’t about her pride or humiliation. This was about trust and motivation. She didn’t want to be Chad’s good deed of a lifetime. She couldn’t be, it wasn’t possible. She had her soul back, but that did not mean she was anywhere near to being saved. She had been to hell and back, she had made a deal with the devil and survived. She had lost everyone and everything she’d ever loved and cared about as a consequence. Chad needed to understand exactly what he was getting himself into before she starting trusting him. Before she started needing him, loving him. If he was going to leave, she wanted him to do it now. Her soul was much more fragile now.

The deep timbre of his voice sliced through her concentration.

“I’m helping you because I was there and you needed it. Besides I got you kicked out of your job and your place. I owe you this much at least.” When he saw she wasn’t satisfied with his explanation he took a deep breath. He didn’t want to do this. Just thinking about it made his stomach drop and his headache. How do you explain the unexplainable? How do you tell someone that you’ve been acting on instincts you don’t understand and didn’t know you had? How do you explain something “just felt right” when the rest of your world is so wrong?

“Look I’ve heard the stories and the rumors. They’re not pretty, but neither are mine. I figure it was fate, destiny or God putting us where we needed each other most. I know it sound corny, I just don’t know. What the stories told me about you and what I see don’t add up. I’ve always trusted my own experiences. I don’t see an evil woman.”

“You don’t?” The pure disbelief in her question made him ache in a place he had locked years ago. He had to make her see, make her understand what she meant. A voice was screaming at him. This was it, if he didn’t convince her, he’d lose her. What? Where had that come from? He didn’t have time for in depth analysis of his psyche. He needed to prove that she mattered.

“I see a confused, beautiful, strong, independent woman whose carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. We all make mistakes, all of us. No one is perfect, no matter how sanctimonious they get. Kay this isn’t about you, it isn’t even about me. It’s about two strangers in a bar exchanging life stories and taking comfort in their presence. I can’t explain it Kay. We both needed to be saved, somehow we ended up here.”

Chad blinked before sitting down. He was exhausted. When he was speaking Kay had moved in front of him, now she sat down next to him.

He carefully wiped away her tears and she took his hand in hers. They lost track of time as they sat in silence. When he finally spoke, it was barely above a whisper.

“This was supposed to be simple.” Kay chuckled and held up their clasped hands for his inspection.

“We’re not simple. We’re complicated people. It’s a fact.” Chad sent her a smile reminding her of long summer days full of warm breezes and lazy laughter.

It’s going to be fine. Kay wasn’t sure how she knew, just that she was glad the knot in her stomach was slowly disappearing. For the first time in months she had room to breathe.

“When are you going back?” This time there was no fear in her question.

“In a few hours.” At Kay’s nod, he leaned back pulling her with him. Nestled in his arms, Kay let her body relax while Chad stroked her hair. They lay still enjoying the blessed silence.