Collision Course, Chapter 35
 
 

Eve Russell was in her office when Chad came in.

" Hi Doc."

" Chad! How are you? What are you doing here? Is something wrong?"

" No. Nothing's wrong. I wondered if we could go for a walk."

" Sure."

Eve got on her coat, and she and Chad went for a walk in the park. They stopped and sat down on a bench.

" I….I wanted to talk to you."

" I gathered."

" I was talking to Theresa, and she said that I should tell you where my head is right now. So, I'm going to go for it. This is sort of tough…."

Eve took Chad's hand. " Just tell me."

" Um….Ok. You see, I look at you, and when I see you, I see so many different things. I see a doctor. A wonderful woman. Someone that I had put up as the 'optimal' woman, if I ever had a mother. I wanted her to be just like you. Then, I find out that you ARE my mother, and it completely freaks me out. I never thought I'd find my mother. I hoped for it, but, I wasn't ready for it. Not really. The uncertainty was a very comfortable place for me. But, now, I have a mother. My mother is you. And, you have this terrific family, but are willing to throw it all away for me?"

Eve began to speak, but Chad held up his hand. " No. You have to let me finish.  You might not know how terrific your family is, and that's why it's unconceivable to think that you would throw it all away for me. But, I've spoken to other people who have made me realize something. That for you…you've lived with the actuality, the reality of having a son all those years. I wasn't a figment of 'what if' to you. You carried me, gave birth to me, held me in your arms. That was very real. You had planned a future with me in it. I was never a theory to you. You had experienced having a son, no matter how brief it was. Your heart has all those years of missed birthdays and Christmases where you KNEW what you would have done with me. So, to be able to give all that stored up emotion to a real son, you're ready for it.

I'm NOT ready for it. I'm not ready for it at all. But….I realize that I want it. Slowly. I want a relationship with you. I want to know about you. I don't really know how all of this happened to both of us. I want to know about your life. You having a child out of wedlock isn't something that Coach or Whitney and Simone would believe about you."

" I know."

" So, I want to know you. I won't judge you. I don't feel ill towards you because you weren't married.  I've seen so many bad things in my life. I doubt anything that you'd say to me would be a surprise. But, I want…I NEED to know you."

Eve had tears in her eyes. " Ok, what do you need to know."

" What was your childhood like?"

Eve looked away for a moment and thought about Chad's question. " My childhood was very lonely.  Very isolated and lonely. "

" You told Whitney and Simone that you grew up on tea parties and concerts. Was that a lie?"

" No. It wasn't a lie. I was the trophy child of two parents who only trotted me out when they wanted me on display. The only person who loved me was my grandmother. She died when I was eight. All my happy memories of childhood ended then. I grew up with a succession of nannies and housekeepers. I know…sounds like the stereotypical 'poor little rich girl', and maybe it was. My parents had a child because it was what people of their 'circle' did. But, I was never a factor in their lives.  I was either a trophy for them on display, or I was irrelevant. Nothing in between."

Eve looked down and it was Chad's turn to comfort his mother. " I'm ok. Really. It's just…talking about my childhood isn't one of the happiest things for me. There was no happiness. I had plenty of 'things', but, no love, after my grandmother died.  But, I was desperate for their affection. Any affection. So…I was the perfect daughter. So 'perfect' that they could trot me out as an example to their friends. I even got into the had the best grades. Whatever I did, I was the best: dance, horses, piano. The best. So, it was no surprise that I got into Radcliffe.

But, once I got there, I began to question things. Could all there be to life was what my parents presented? The only thing I had was music. I used to listen to it, in our attic. As long as my parents didn't see it, they wouldn't care. So, on a lark, I auditioned for the Blue Note. But, I felt ALIVE for the first time in my life. The music became my life…until I met your father. Things spun so much out of control. It was a wild time for me. After years of feeling nothing, I was feeling everything. It just overwhelmed me. I made a lot of wrong choices…alcohol, drugs, unsafe sex. It's the basis of why I'm so hard on the girls. I took a wrong turn and lost everything. "

" You think I was a wrong turn.", Chad said quietly.

Eve lifted Chad's face to look into hers.

" No. YOU were never the wrong turn. Losing you, was the wrong turn. When I got pregnant, everyone abandoned me. Your father. I blame him, and then I don't…because he was under tremendous pressure from his family. His father, who is a ruthless, cold-blooded shark. Your father had good in him. But, his father ground it out of him. My parents told me that I could come back into their lives…just as long as I was willing to give you up for adoption. I told them to go to hell, and we haven't spoken since."

" So, what you told your family about your parents being dead isn't true?"

" They are dead TO ME. When I needed them the most, they abandoned me. If a child can't depend upon a PARENT in a bad time, when else would you need one? Plus, those kinds of values aren't what I want for my daughters. No matter what happens with Whitney and Simone…I will NEVER turn my back on them!"

Chad looked at his mother. The ferociousness in her voice he didn't doubt for a minute. Listening to her finally put a lot of the pieces of the puzzle for him together.

" But, you could have told Coach Russell about that time in your life."

Eve shook her head. " No, I couldn't."

" He loves you."

" I know. But, it was more than that. It was so many things. Chad, I was no older than Whitney when I had you. I was ALL ALONE. And, when you 'died', I died. I didn't know how to cope. I had nobody to help me, so I just survived. A lot of why I didn't tell TC had to do with so many reasons. I hadn't dealt with your death myself. I had just shoved it all down. It was easier to pretend that the year never happened, than to deal with everything that happened to me. I had no psychiatric help. I coped the best way I could. I would never recommend this to any of my patients, but, I had to make it through life, day by day. Then, there is the fact that I thought I caused your death."

" Caused my death? How?"

" Because, I had taken drugs early on in pregnancy. I smoked, drank, took drugs. You were premature. And then you died. I knew enough about babies to know that you were most vulnerable in the first trimester. So, I blamed myself. How does one tell the man that you love that not only you had a child, but that in all likelihood, that you caused your child to die? I needed TC. I needed him like I need air to breathe. He was the first warm, human contact that I had with anyone since your death. I couldn't risk it. I couldn't. By the time that I really got up any courage, it was too late; I was trapped in the house of lies that I had built."

" Coach Russell loves you."

" He loves the image that I've projected."

" No. I think he loves you."

" Chad, I couldn't risk it. I couldn't risk losing the one thing that I had wanted all my life: a family of my own. I would and DID do anything to protect that family."

" Then, WHY are you willing to risk it for me?"

" Because, now I know that someone else out there in the world could possibly love me. I have someone to hold onto, if I lose everything else. I know that you know about being alone."

" It sucks.", Chad said quietly.

" Yes, it does. Chad…I meant it. If you need for me to tell TC, Whitney and Simone. I'll do it. I will."

" I told you. I don't want you doing that. I can't handle that kind of pressure and responsibility. No. It's better to get to know one another. Thanks, Doc. I really needed this talk."

" No problem. Is there anything else?"

" I don't want to push my luck."

" You're not pushing anything. Just ask."

Chad hesitated and then took a deep breath and exhaled, "  Are you going to tell me who my father is?"