More Than That - Chapter 34: Letting Go (Gwen/Luis)
 by Jamie Witter
 
 

Chapter 34: Letting Go

I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
and I have sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go.
-- Sarah McLachlan
 
 

It was a week later and Gwen found herself staring at the phone, debating, conflicting and wondering if she should call Sheridan or if it was still to early. How long was enough to get over betrayal?

If someone asked her, then she’d - from experience that it would take two years.

But then again she always had trouble letting go of things.

She hoped – no, she prayed that Sheridan wouldn’t take that long. She hoped to God that her best friend in the entire world would be able to look past he faults and her lies once again and forgive her before it was too later.

Before the only prominent memory in Gwen’s mind about their friendship would be that horrible night in Sheridan’s cottage when she told her that she slept with the only man Sheridan ever loved. And that she lied about it.

“Call her,” Jacob’s voice filtered through her office and she looked up to see her brother leaning against the door. “Or call him. Just pick up the phone and call someone, damn it.”

“Jake,” she sighed. “It’s not that easy.”

“Sure it is,” he replied softly as he strolled in. “You pick up the receiver punch in the bloody number and talk into the damn thing. It’s technology. What’s hard about that?”

“Don’t joke to make me feel better.”

“Why not, if it works?”

“Because I don’t deserve it!” Gwen answered angrily. “I betrayed Sheridan! I lied to her!”

“Yes, you did lie to her. But you didn’t do it on purpose. You didn’t do it to spite her. And you weren’t the only bloody one having the affair!” he stated vehemently. “Luis did too. Willingly, knowing the ramifications of his choices!”

Gwen bit her bottom lip. “I know he did. But I should have ended it sooner. I shouldn’t have let it progress to - ”

“Love?” Jacob supplied. When she didn’t answer, he took her hand in his and looked at her tenderly. “Gwendolyn, darling, you love him. And we all know how hard that is to avoid – how it happens in the strangest of places. As cynical as I am about love, I know it when I see it. And you’ve loved him all along. You don’t need to feel guilty about that.”

“Then I don’t know what to do,” she answered, a tear roll down her face. “Because I can’t have him. She won’t talk to me. And I’m stuck here in Harmony, wondering if I have lost the only person in Harmony - beside you and Daddy – who accepted me flaws and all.”

“Are you talking about Sheridan or Luis?” he asked gently. “Because you just described two people who fit that description.”

“Luis doesn’t love me.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I see the way he is with her. Because I know what they mean to each other. He can’t let her go. Not enough to welcome another woman in his heart,” she stated hating that she sounded bitter.

“Some times, those kind of things are hard to avoid.” When she looked at him curiously, he grinned. “Or so I’ve heard.”

“Oh Jake,” Gwen said with a small laugh. “What would I do without you?”

He stroked her hair and kissed her hand. “Letting go is harder. Bu holding on to something that isn’t there is harder. Do you get that?”

“Better than you think.”

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

“Luis,” Jeff the bartender said with disapproval. “Go easy on the beer.”

“Can’t,” he answered angrily and gripped the beer bottle tightly in his hands. He was getting drunker by the minute. And enjoying it. “My mother is upset with me right now so I can’t go home, my best friends are newlyweds and will be leaving for their honeymoon tomorrow so I can’t go there either. And Sam won’t let me work because he says I’m moody. This bottle is the only thing that keeps me sane.”

“And the only thing that will make you feel like golly in the morning,” Jeff reminded him as he wiped the counter. “Go home, detective.”

He ignored the second part. “I can’t feel any golly tier than I do now.”

Jess gave him a sympathetic look. “A woman?”

Luis laughed drunkenly. “Two.”

“Sounds like a triangle.”

“The worst kind,” he slurred his words and put his head on the table.

“Wanna tell me about it?”

Luis looked at him, sighed and rubbed his throbbing temple. “Not much to tell. Can’t let either one of them go.”

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Fear gripped her like it hadn’t in so long.

It was dark and quiet. She could feel something sticky and warm on her hands and smell the familiar, dizzying, metallic scent. She felt something hot and tight spread through her chest and rise in her throat. She tried to scream but let out a strangled cry instead.

She started to walk, blindly in front of her when suddenly a dim blue light shone through and revealed long, narrow passage with black and white checkered tiles on the floor. Sacred she continued to walk, looking around her, trying to make sense of her world. She brought her hands up again, to see what had spilled over them.

Blood.

This time, her scream bounced off the walls and rung in her ears.

A towel appeared at her feet and she picked it up, quickly wiping away the redness, the guilt.

The past.

Colors swerved and her word titled slightly before she was standing in front of a door down the same narrow passage.

Frightened she grabbed the gold handle and pushed the door open. It creaked and then revealed a bed, with a woman lying on it…her brown hair splayed, the familiar face resting and troubled. Her brother as a teenager was sitting at the edge of the bed, holding the woman’s hand, stroking it and crying softly.

“Take care of her, darling,” her mother whispered to him from the bed. “She’s my angel. But she’s weak. She won’t survive on her own. She’s your responsibility. Don’t let me down, son.”

“I won’t, Mother. She’ll be safe.”

Her mother looked at her suddenly, eyes wide and accusing as Julian disappeared. “But you’re not safe!” Then the voice softened. “You can’t be helped. It’s your destiny. Like it was mine.”

Then, her mother vanished, leaving her standing in the passageway, crying, hurting…her disease spreading through her rapidly, making it hard for her to breathe.

“Where am I?” she finally yelled through her pain, through her fear.

“Turn around!” The voice was loud, cold, booming and terribly familiar as it rang out from behind her.

Slowly, shakily she did as told. “Father.”

“I’ve never considered you mine,” he stated nastily. “You don’t deserve love. Not mine. Not hers. Not his.”

“You won’t make me feel like this,” she answered bravely although her lower lips trembled like it always did in his presence. She couldn’t escape his influence on her because it was too late. She had let him trample over her for so long. “I don’t love you. I don’t need you to love me.”

“Yes you do!” His laughter was chilling and evil. “You can’t deny it. You can’t live with out my love. That’s why you’re dying. You’re pathetic.”

Just like her mother, he disappeared again and left her alone in the deserted, dank passageway.

Again, she felt dizzy so she closed her eyes and then she opened them to find herself in front of another door. Taking a deep breath and telling herself that she was ready for anything that was shown to her, she turned the knob and walked through the door.

She was wrong.

There was a bed again and a couple in it together, twisting in pleasure.

“Oh Luis,” Gwen moaned softly. “Make love to me.”

“No!”

Luis approached her from behind, putting a hand on her shoulder. She looked at him, tears streaming down her face. He looked regretful. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“But you did!” she yelled back angry.

Gwen appeared by his side and the two of them looked at her sympathetically. “Don’t stress yourself. You need to rest. It’s over.”

She looked at the bed again; Luis and Gwen were still making love.

The room started to swirl.

“You’re weak.”

“You’re unlovable.”

“I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to say goodbye.”

“I love you. I lied.”

“Let go.”

“NO!”

Sheridan sat up in bed, panting heavily, tears running down her face and sweat beads forming on her upper lip. Throwing the covers over her body, she stumbled to the door of her hotel suite.

She needed a glass of water.