Chapter 33: Damage

There’s an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move.
-- Matchbox 20

“Sher?” Luis called out as pushed the door of her cottage open, the next morning. He had just stubbed his toe against a suitcase climbing up the stairs and immediately wondered if she had a guest. He glanced around the living room, noticing that most of her knick-knacks were still securely in place but boxes and bags had been strewn around haphazardly through out the usually tidy room. “Sheridan Crane, where the hell are you?”

She emerged seconds later from her bedroom, a few clothes in her hand dressed in a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. Her eyes were red and had bags under them, her hair was a mess and she looked paler than she had the night before. He creased his brow in worry as she avoided meeting his gaze. “Luis.”

“What’s with the boxes? Why are you packing? Are you okay?” he asked as he stepped closer to her and then looked at her oddly when she took a step away. “Sher, what’s going on?”

“I’m going to Europe,” she announced and pushed past him in attempts to get away from him. “I have a lot of work to do and I would really appreciate it if you’d leave.”

Confused, angry and hurt at the indifference in her voice he turned to her, brow arched and jaw set determinedly. “I’m not leaving until you tell me why you’re planning this impromptu visit to Europe when you know very well you should be resting.”

“I am going to Europe to rest,” she answered through clenched teeth. “Julian and Ivy are taking me away. It’s his birthday present.”

He shook his head in disbelief and stepped closer, invading her personal space and leaving her no choice but to look up at him. “No, there’s another reason you’re going. You’ve been crying. It looks like you haven’t slept all night - you look like hell.”

“Gee thanks,” she retorted coldly.

“You know what I mean,” he countered with an exasperated sigh. When she had left the wedding reception the night before she was happy, a little hyper really and practically glowing. “What’s the real reason? You know you can tell me anything.”

“Oh I can, huh?” she said her voice rising. She spread her hands in a wild gesture and looked at him through dangerously narrowed eyes. “Like you tell me everything, right detective?”

“What the hell are you talking about?” he asked, getting angry at her behavior.

“I’m talking about secrets,” she spat, taking a step back and emphasizing the last word harshly. “I’m talking about how people keep secrets from one another trying to spare their feelings or whatever and yet somehow, it comes out anyway and cause the person even more pain. We both know a hell of a lot about secrets, don’t we?”

Feeling something unsettling in his stomach that he could only describe as dread. Cautiously, he studied her face and then practically breathed out his question. “What secret?”

She let out a small, disbelieving laugh. “Well I hope there is only one secret you’ve been keeping from me, Luis. I would hate to think there is something more that can ‘cause me as much pain as Gwen telling me that the two of you have been sleeping together for the last two and half months right behind my back.”

His eyes closed briefly, painstakingly, for a minute as he unconsciously expressed his regret in the form of a curse. “I didn’t -”

“That’s right Luis,” she cut him off and turned away from him. “Secret’s out. Maybe next time you should be a little more discreet. Although I do hope this lying nature of yours is a temporary thing. Because it sure as hell isn’t the Luis I know.”

He made his way around her, so he could her face again and grabbed her arm gently, knowing that if he didn’t she would turn away. “Sheridan, look, I need you to - ”

“Save it,” she answered coldly. “I guess it was my fault for asking, Gwen to be straight with me although Lord only knows why she didn’t tell me in the beginning. Oh wait, I do know why. Because she feels guilty. Because the two of you suddenly heard your conscience loud and clear when I told you I had leukemia. Let go of me.”

He conceded and she turned away from him and immediately started to rummage through a box. He ran a hand through his hair, frustrated and feeling like a world-class heel. “We never wanted you to find out this way. We never wanted to hurt you.”

“Don’t,” she warned him, throwing clothes into a box from a nearby table. “Don’t even try to give me that. Here I was thinking,” he voice hitched just a bit and he saw her bite her lower lip, “God –here I was thinking that maybe you finding out about my illness was His way of telling me that I needed to spend my remaining days with you. I can’t believe I was so stupid.”

“You’re not stupid,” he told her and came to stand beside her. “And I do want to spend those days with you, Sheridan.”

“Please,” she seethed, casting him a withering sideways glance. “Don’t do me any favors. If you never knew you’d still be…just leave, Luis. I need to pack.”

“So this is your answer to this, is it?” he asked quietly and when she looked up at him confused he elaborated. “You’re just going to leave the country?”

“Well I guess everyone isn’t as brave as you are,” she countered and then let out a bitter laugh. “You wanted to save me from my family and you succeeded, you tried to save me from myself…too bad you couldn’t save me from you.”

“Sheridan, don’t do this.”

“I believe I asked you to leave,” she replied stiffly, ignoring his plea. “And if you don’t I’m sure the guards would love to escort you out. Goodbye, Luis.”

He took in a deep breath, shocked and hurt by the knowledge that she would use Crane security if he forced the issue and then simply nodded. “Okay, if that’s what you want. I am sorry that you’re hurting and I’m not happy with myself either. Take care of yourself, Sheridan.”

She closed her eyes and turned her back to him completely. Pocketing his hands he walked towards the door and wondered when his it was exactly that he life got completely f*cked up.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Jade quickly sat down across from Gwen in the Book Café, a sympathetic smile on her face as she placed her purse on the table between them. “I got your message and hurried over. Who taught you to leave messages like, ‘She knows. Meet me at the Book Café’? It’s a good thing I went to college or that would have been a doozy to decipher.” When Gwen failed to smile, she let out a sigh. “Sorry, I was trying to get you to lighten up a bit.”

“Thanks for trying.”

“So she knows, huh?”

“Yeah,” Gwen took a sip of her coffee barely worried that it was scalding her tongue and the back of her throat. “It was awful. She asked me what was going on between the two of us and I just told her. Like that. I laid it down for her, cruelly and coldly. I should be shot.”

“Honey, couldn’t you just lie?”

“Jade!” Gwen stated incredulously. “I can’t lie to Sheridan!”

“I hate to point it out, but you did. You lied to her the night she saw the two of you at Luis’ house. If you did it then, why couldn’t you do it now?” Jade asked and then rectified her question. “I mean I don’t condone lying to best friends but maybe this situation called for it.”

Gwen looked at her with wide eyes. “Would you have lied?”

Jade looked down momentarily and then met her friends’ eyes. “No, I wouldn’t have. I get where you’re coming from. I really am sorry, though. I wish there was something I could do. Maybe I should talk to Sheridan. Make her see things for the way they were.”

“Sheridan was beyond upset,” she stated with a shake of her head. “She doesn’t need anyone telling her how to feel and which way to look at things. Thank you for the offer, Jade. I really appreciate it. But I won’t have anyone doing something I should be. If anything, later today I’ll call her and then beg for forgiveness. Grovel, if I have to.”

“Sheridan will forgive you. She has to. A man – no matter who he is, shouldn’t come between best friends.”

“I sure hope so. But this is Luis. The only man she’s ever truly loved.”

“And the only one that you don’t want to live without,” Jade pointed out. “Damn, this would make a good soap opera.” When Gwen stared at her disapprovingly she raised her hands in surrender. “Sorry – just some humor I thought I needed to spread.”

Suddenly Gwen caught sight of a familiar face and her eyes widened as she realized that Ethan was making his way over, his mouth set in a grim line. When he came to stand next to the table, Jade looked from her friend to Ethan and back before excusing herself and claiming she needed to get coffee. Once she was gone, Ethan occupied her space. “Hey.”

“Hi,” she said and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “I guess you heard.”

“Yes, I did. From several different people.”

Gwen eyes widened in shock. “Word travels fast.”

“All in the family. It’s still not leaked out to the gossip mill yet. And if I have anything to say about it, it never will be.”

“Of course,” she said softly and took a sip of her coffee. “I just need you to know that - ”

“I know,” he said meeting her gaze firmly but offering no smile. “But that damage has bee done. I hate the stress and pain you’ve caused her but I know that you didn’t mean to and that if you could you’d take it all back without a second thought.”

“Thank you.”

“I’m on your side, Gwen,” he stated softly. “I hurt for Sheridan. I’m on her side too. It’s called being stuck between a rock and hard place.”

She managed a small laugh. “You can always make me laugh.”

“And you always seem to make my life make more sense,” he stated with a wry smile. “I saw you talking to yesterday. If my wife said anything to upset you, I apologize on her behalf. Hormones and past issues don’t really mix well.”

“It’s okay,” she answered. “Theresa is the last of my problems. I’m more concerned with Sheridan, right now.”

“The three of us have been through a lot together,” he stated with a small smile. “I have never forgotten that, even though it seemed like it for a while. Sheridan has to remember that. Maybe this trip to Europe will help her. After all, we’ve had some our best times there.”

“Wait, Sheridan’s going to Europe?”

He looked at her regretfully. “Julian and mother are taking her there as a birthday present. She wasn’t sure that she wanted to leave until - ”

“Until last night when I betrayed her trust.”

He reached over and took his hands. “She needs time to heal. To accept and I think that Europe and a little time with Julian and Ivy Crane will make her see how much she needs sane people around her.”

Gwen exhaled. “I’ll give her breathing space. Then I’ll beg and grovel for forgiveness.