Sacrifices of the Soul, Chapter 23
 
 

Eve was in bed, but, she was not asleep. She was looking at the moon, and thinking about today's events.

" Eve, I had the pleasure of meeting your son, today.", Dr. Collins said at the beginning of their evening session. He looked at Eve for some sort of reaction, but received none.

" Very handsome young man. He was very inquisitive about your condition."

Eve looked at Kevin upon that remark.

" I promise you that what I say is true. He WAS concerned about you and your progress. I told him that I didn't think you were getting any worse, but, that I was concerned about moving forward. He wondered about whether he should visit you. I told him that I thought it was a good idea. Don't you want him to visit you, Eve?"

" Hell, no.", Eve thought to herself. No child should have to see what Chad has seen. Eve did wonder if Kevin was telling the truth about Chad. Julian had been so apprehensive where Chad was concerned. Was Kevin lying trying to get a reaction from her? She didn't know, and suddenly felt tired, so she focused on an odd clock that Kevin had in his room, and tuned him out for the rest of the session.

Chad coming to see her wasn't what Eve wanted. She didn't want any of her children to see her in this condition.

As usual, in the still of the night, Eve's mind wandered backwards.
 
 

[FLASHBACK]
 

" Clarissa, I'd like an answer for this.", Principal Ralston said. A matronly looking woman with dark chocolate skin, she scared anyone who came in contact with her. She put her finger down on the piece of paper that she had placed on the desk in front of Eve, who was sitting in a chair in front of the desk, that had been chosen because it was a few inches lower than the desk, and as with police interrogations, would  put the disobedient child immediately 'on notice'.

" Well, Clarissa?"

" It's  my permission slip."

" I know what it is, Clarissa. But, why do I get the feeling that this, in no way, is your mother's signature." She picked it up off the desk and put it into Eve's face.

" Does this LOOK like an adult's signature."

" I dunno…I guess…I", Eve was interrupted by the sound of the paddle slamming against the desk. She began to tremble at the thought of the paddle against her skin. Nobody liked the paddling.

" I'll ask you once more, Clarissa. Is THIS your mother's signature?"

" No.", Eve answered, barely a whisper.

" I didn't hear you."

" No, M''am.", Eve replied louder.

" Whose signature is this?"

" Mine M'am. I signed it."

" Why, Clarissa? Why didn't you have your mother sign it?"

Eve didn't know what to say, but, the truth didn't seem right. What could she say, that she didn't want to give the permission slip to her mother, because when her mother saw the price, she would have said no. And, if Eve had told her the truth, that she had been saving up her money for this trip since last year, when Eve was left behind because they couldn't afford it, she knew that her mother would demand the money, and take it from her.

" Well Clarissa, I don't tolerate this kind of breach of conduct at my school. Allow children to falsify documents, and the next thing you know, you'll think that you can speak out of turn to teachers, and, I dunno, even smoke in school! No, better to nip this in the bud right now. " She takes out a piece of stationary, and writes a letter, then puts it in an envelope. " You are not allowed to come back to school, until your mother can come with you."

" Please, Ms. Ralston. I'll stay after school for as long as you want. Please, don't bring my mother into it.", Eve said with tears streaming down her face. Mrs. Ralston looked at her after a few moments.

" Ok, Clarissa. Your punishment for this will be one month afterschool detention. And, of course, you won't be able to go on the trip."

Eve's heart was broken, but, this is better than the alternative. How could she tell the Principal that she couldn’t bring her mother up to school because she didn’t know where she was. The bell rang, and Mrs. Ralston spoke up: " It’s time for lunch. I hope that you’ve learned your lesson about lying. Leave."

" Yes M’am." Eve left her office and made her way to the lunchroom, where Simone had saved her the usual spot. Simone had brought her paperbag that held the little lunch that Eve could scrape together: a peanut butter/jelly sandwich, and a piece of fruit that she got from the grocer, as he was throwing out the terribly bruised fruit that no one would buy. As usual, Eve found a bologna half-sandwich in her bag – a gift from Simone. She gulfed it down in three big bites. And, ate peanut butter/jelly AGAIN. Eve didn’t know how many sandwiches this had been for her, but, she just made sure she got it down. And drank the half a carton of milk that Simone left for her.

" So, what did Principal Ralston want?"

" There was a mix-up with my Permission Slip."

" So, get another one."

" I can’t….I’m not going on the trip.", Eve admits.

" Why?"

" I’m not going, Simone! Ok?"

Simone could see that Eve didn’t want to talk about it, so she didn’t push it.

" If you give me some money, I’ll bring you back a souvenir."

" Yeah?", Eve asked.

" Sure."

" Well, the trip wasn’t the only thing. I got detention."

" Ooooo. How long?"

" A month."

" Not that bad." Simone lowered her voice. " Did she paddle you?"

Eve shook her head. " Nope."

" Lucky."

" I know."

The bell rang, and they got in line to go back to class. Eve got through class, and then stayed after school, cleaning the blackboard, and the room for her teacher. When it was 4:15, the teacher told Eve that was all for that day, and that she could go home.

Eve left, and began the walk home, but, went to her usual afterschool hangout- the library. She climbed up the three flights of stairs and worked her way back to the spot which she had staked out for herself. Somehow, she had discovered that this was the most direct place for heat in the entire library outside of the boiler room. Sure it was dusty, but, the warmth was something that Eve counted on, for these few hours. She would do her homework, and then rattle the stacks, looking for books to read. She was surrounded by the ‘Applied Sciences’ and ‘The Arts’, so her reading material was varied. She stole a dictionary from the first floor, and hid it in a special place, so that she could look up words that she didn’t know. There were two sets of books that fascinated her: the medical texts, with all their pictures, and then the books of the rich and famous entertainers. It was the place where she saw glamorous and beautiful Black women. The beauty of all of the women totally got to her. They didn’t look hungry or cold. Their clothes looked fabulous, like the women in the movies that she occasionally got the chance to see.

Eve read as close to heat gratings as she could, until they dimmed the lights, and she knew that it was 5 minutes to closing. She put on her coat, and made her way back home. Opening the door, she knew that her mother had not returned. She went over and marked another day off on the calendar. This made day 11 that she had been gone. Eve was concerned, but, she knew that her mother would return soon, within the next few days, because it was the first of the month. Eve would pretend to be sick that day, and just ‘happen’ to be with her mother when the check arrived. She would offer to take it to the corner currency exchange, where the lady knew Eve, and helped her process it. Then, by the time Eve got back, she had already gotten the receipt for the rent, and the electric bill. Eve didn’t know about the electric company until one month they didn’t have any lights. Now that she’s spent a few weeks in no heat, she learned from the lady next door that there’s a place called the gas company, and she knew which bill it was, after she would take the mail over to the neighbor’s house, and she pointed it out to Eve.

Eve now knew, at the age of nine, that there were 4 main bills to pay: rent, electric, gas and telephone. Eve didn’t care about the telephone. She had to figure out a way to get the gas money from her mother, but, she would think about that later. Eve had to think about it, which bill was more important, and in her mind, it was the electric bill. She needed light, especially in a basement apartment. The time they had spent in the dark had creeped her out. Plus, the small refrigerator that they had ran on electricity. She opened the refrigerator and exposed its contents: a loaf of bread, and the peanut butter jar, and the jelly jar. The fridge was the only place that seemed to slow the roaches down.

Eve fixed her sandwich and brought out the glass she kept in the fridge to get herself some water. She ate it, because she had to eat something. She checked the door, to make sure that it was locked, but, the chain wasn’t on, so her mother could some in if she came back.

Eve got into her bed. It was warm because of all the blankets she had on it. When the heat had gone out, she caught a bad cold because she wasn’t warm enough. She didn’t know about the gas bill, but, knew that she needed blankets. She didn’t have the money, but, she had a bad looking outfit. She chose the worst outfit in her entire wardrobe. It was too small, and fraying in places because it was so old, and there was even a hole in the knee of the pants. She put it on, and went to the churches on the White side of town. Her stomach was in knots, and she felt sick, but, she couldn’t be cold anymore. She went, early Saturday, right before Mass a few weeks ago, and  begged for a blanket of some sort. There was always some sort of garage sale happening at the church every Saturday at these churches. Eve couldn’t imagine that people actually had enough stuff that they could throw things away, but, she saw it. After a few trips to different churches, she had gotten the quilts she needed, along with a winter coat, a few sweaters and hat and gloves. But, Eve despised the looks of pity that the Whites gave her.

" You Poor Black Thing.", she heard over and over again. But, she didn’t say anything. Better to cry now, and play on their pity, than to be freezing at night. But, Eve knew that she didn’t hate anything more than White folk looking down on her like she was some creature that they should treat accordingly. But, she was warm at night, which was all that mattered.

She went to sleep and woke up the next morning. She checked her mother’s room, and the bed had still not been slept in. She got her towel and soap, and made sure that she had the key to the apartment. The neighbor down the hall let her take a quick shower, in return for Eve cleaning up the bathroom, which was filthy. She didn’t like the way the man looked at her, but, he was the only one who said yes when she asked, since they didn't have any hot water in her apartment. Eve got in an out in under 15 minutes, and was fully changed into her  clothes for school when she went back into the apartment. She fixed her sandwich for breakfast, and unwrapped the foil that she put her lunch sandwich in and picked the least rotten piece of fruit and put it in her lunchbag, and off she went.

This was her routine, and when she got home on the 31st of the month, who was there, but, her mother.

" Clairee, what the fuck you doin' comin' home so late?"

" I was at the library, Mama."

" Oh. " Eve put her books down, and went to  fridge. " Don't bother. Ain't shit in there. I was hungry when I got home. We go shoppin' tomorrow when the check comes."

Eve sneezes and coughs hard. " I'm not feeling well."

" Then go to bed…..Damn! It's cold in here. "

" We have no gas.", Eve mumbles.

" Yeah, well, guess I fuhgot to pay da bill. We do dat tomorrow. Go to bed."

" Nite, Mama."

Eve went into her bedroom, and saw that a few of her blankets had been removed from her bed. She went to her little dresser and got a couple of pairs of socks, and another sweater. She coughed a few more times, so that her 'sick' excuse would fly. She climbed into bed, wrapping herself in the remaining covers that she did have, like a cocoon. She got up at sunrise, but, stayed in the bed. When her mother yelled for her, she pretended that she was sick, and her mother didn’t care. Her mother was deep  into drink when the mail arrived, but, by then, Eve was surprisingly recovered. She led her mother to the Currency Exchange, and then directly to the landlord, where the rent was paid. And, Eve went to the place where you could pay the electric bill, while her mother went to the store. When she arrived home, there were enough groceries for a couple of weeks: lots of canned goods, a few fruits, and new loaf of bread, and of course, peanut butter and jelly. Eve fixed a spaghetti dinner with the little ground beef that her mother had bought, the first meat, outside of Simone’s bologna, that Eve had eaten in over 3 weeks. Though Eve was almost starving, she wouldn’t allow herself to eat all that she wanted, because she wanted there to be leftovers. Her mother, who had always had a strong sweet tooth, splurged and bought an apple pie. For Eve, it was a treat, and she did help herself to it, because knowing her mother, it probably wouldn’t be here when she got home tomorrow.

Eve couldn’t believe it, but, her mother had actually gone to pay the gas bill, and the man had put them on their list of late turn-ons, so, though it was after 5 p.m. when he got there, he turned the gas back on, and they had heat and hot water again. Eve took a long bath that night, enjoying it for the first time in over a month, and went to bed. Her mother was asleep, and somehow that made Eve feel better when she and her mother had a ‘normal’ day. It was OK, for about five days, but, then, one day, Eve got home, and, she knew.

Nothing was out of place, but, she knew, and she went to the place where her mother kept the ‘emergency’ funds, and sure enough, it was gone. Eve checked the cabinets to see what was left of the food, and scanning the shelf, she thought that she could squeeze it out for the next couple of weeks, only needing to get a loaf of bread and a little fruit. She wouldn’t necessarily be hungry for a couple of weeks. Eve began the markoff on the calendar, which was a Monday. That Friday, Simone’s mother had invited Eve to spend the night. Eve loved spending the night over at Simone’s house. Her mother actually fixed dinner for them, and asked Simone about her school day. And, there was always plenty to eat, thanks to the leftovers Simone’s mother brought from her workplace. The family she worked for, usually went out to dinner on Friday and Saturday nights, so anything in the refrigerator on Friday afternoon was offered to their maid.

Eve enjoyed the time away from her 'life'. She and Simone played with her dolls, and then with all the boardgames that Simone had. On Saturday, Eve had brought some money with her, and after they did the chores for their neighbor, they had enough money to go to the movies, complete with popcorn, soda, and candy. They went to the first movie, and then snuck into the other one, nearly getting caught because of Simone's little brother not being fast enough, but, they made it.

When they got back to Simone's, they fixed the table for dinner and were ready with everything when Simone's mother got home.

But, what Eve loved most, was Simone’s television. No matter what activity they were doing inside of the apartment, the television was on. Eve couldn’t get enough of it. She watched in fascination at these programs where everyone looked happy, well fed, clean. People loved one another, didn’t beat one another, and certainly didn’t leave their children for days at a time. The children had their own rooms, and they looked so big. And, everyone lived in a house. Eve wondered what it would be like to live in a house, with a yard, and some trees. She had to imagine that there was nothing better. She saw that all of them had a fireplace. Eve had wondered if that was why Santa Claus didn’t come to her house last year, because she had no fireplace. Eve spent as much time watching the television as she could.

Sunday went the same, and Eve did her routine that morning of getting the bakery leftovers. They ate again when Simone's mother returned home, and then she decided to walk Eve home, thinking it was too dark for a child to be out by herself.

As they approached Eve's apartment building, they saw the police car, but, didn't think anything of it. When they got to Eve's apartment, they saw that the door was open, and, Eve saw a strange woman sitting at the kitchen table. Simone's mother thought she recognized the woman, but, wasn't sure.

The woman stood up and came over to Eve.

" Hi. Are you Clarissa?"

Eve nodded.

" Well, I'm Mrs. Dorsey. I'm a friend of your mother's."

Eve knew that was a lie. Her mother didn't have any friend that looked like Mrs. Dorsey: clean and sober.

" Clarissa, do you have a suitcase?"

Eve shook her head, no.

" A large bag or some sort?"

" My Mama does."

" Why don't you get it, and go put as many of your clothes in it as possible."

Eve did as she said, but, made sure that she kept her door open.

" Mabel, I thought I recognized you.", Simone's mother said. " Where is she?"

" At HazelCrest."

Eve didn't know what that meant, but, she put her better clothes into the bag.

" Where are you going to take her?", Simone’s mother asked.

" I thought I’d take her to the home, and worry about placement tomorrow. Unless…you wanted to take her?"

" Me? I’m a single woman, with two kids of my own to feed."

" But, you know the little girl. You must, don’t you?"

" Yes, I do."

" You know what’s going to happen. She’s what…eight? Nine?"

" Nine."

" Where do you think a nine year old Black girl is going to wind up? Certainly not in a home."

" You got foster parents, don’t you?"

" Honey, please. Once they get past the age of 5, don’t nobody want kids. And, if they’re Black, knock it down to three. She’ll be going to the ‘home’, probably never to get out."

" I got two mouths to feed, already."

" I can get you some stamps. And, some other assistance. She looks like a sweet child."

" Yeah…..she’s not a bad child."

" Do you know what happens to ‘sweet’ children in ‘the home’? Within 3 months, you wouldn’t know her anymore."

Simone’s mother looked over to Eve, who was packing, but, had been listening.

" If this doesn’t work out, I can turn her over to you, right?"

The Social Worker nodded. " Absolutely. "

Simone’s mother glanced back over to Eve. She knew that Eve wasn’t a bad kid. She was sweet considering she was practically raising herself. But, her apartment was small for the three of them, adding another person…yet…

" Ok. She can come, for now. But, I really need those stamps, and a little help."

" I’ll make sure that I get all the paperwork to you as soon as possible. "

" And, I can’t be taking off my job to be coming down to no Aid Office."

" You won’t have to. I’ll come to you."

" You better. Any difficulties with your office, and I don’t have the time."

" You can trust that I will bring the papers to you." Mabel Dorsey stepped away as the woman began to think about it. Mabel was known for her unorthodox methods, which routinely had her bring the ‘Office’ to the people. Anything she had to do to keep the kids out of the ‘system’, she wanted to do. She had been doing this job for too long NOT to know what happened to innocent looking kids once they got trapped in ‘the system’. And, pretty little girls like Eve? An involuntary shiver went up her spine. This was a  ‘clean’ working woman with 2 children of her own, and no man seemingly involved in their lives. Outside of a married couple, this could be a good placement. That she even considered it out of the blue was a good indicator for Mabel.

Simone’s mother walked over to Eve.

" Clarissa?"

" M’aam?"

" Your Mama is sick right now. They took her to a place to make her feel better. But, in the meanwhile, you will have to live somewhere else. Do you understand?"

Eve nodded.

" Now, for a little while, I’m going to take you home with me. So, you go and get your favorite toys and dolls, and put all your clothes in the bag."

Eve did as she said, and she returned with a couple more bags. They filled it with Eve’s things, and took the best of the quilts. Eve didn’t leave anything that she liked; she took it all. Eve took a bag, Simone’s mother took one, and Mabel took the largest bag. Using her key to lock the door, Eve did so, for what would be the last time. She never spent another night in that apartment.
 

A few weeks had passed. Eve was on her best behavior. It was  something to get use to- a routine. When she came home late one night from the library, Simone’s mother was so angry. Eve explained that she was at the library, and she told Eve that she didn’t have to spend so much time there. That she could come home with Simone, and that she’d like it that way. That Simone could use the help in looking after her little brother.

Eve did as she asked, never leaving her toys out, or not doing the dishes, setting the table, or eating too much. She wasn’t going to give her any excuse to call up Mabel to take her away.

Eve wasn’t living in the basement anymore. They didn’t have roaches. They did have heat. And, someone came to check to see if you were in bed. Plus, she was with Simone. Life was good now. Sure, some of the kids had been mean about her mother ‘going away’, but, Eve was used to being ‘picked on’ in school.

Then, one Saturday, Mabel came to the door.

" Hello, Clarissa."

" Hi.", Eve mumbled.

" Did Miz Flora explain to you about what we were doing?"

" She said I was gonna go see Mama."

" Yes, you’re going to see your mother. I see she put on your best dress."

" Yes, M’am."

" Well, let’s go. It will be a drive."

Eve got into the car, and said nothing during the hour plus long drive. She saw the gates open, and they drove up to a big brick building. Eve didn’t like the way the building looked. She had read the sign on the outside of the gate. It said ‘Hazlecrest’, just like Mabel and Flora talked about the day she went to live at Simone’s house.

Mabel parked the car, and Eve got out. She took Eve’s hand.

‘ Lord, what the hell am I doing here?’, Mabel thought. This was no place for a child, but, this was part of some new ‘program’, that has been ordered by the state. Children are to visit with their ‘parents’, no matter where the parent is. ‘ I don’t see ANYTHING positive that can come from this’, Mabel thought.

Eve looked on, in silence, as they passed through the locked doors, into the building. The first thing Eve noticed was how cold everything looked. It was dark, and dreary. Though there were windows everywhere, they were covered with wire mesh. The walls were painted a dull, dull, bluish green. They walked down the corridor, and Eve would sometimes hear screams behind the doors that they passed. They wound up coming into  a big room, with a lot of people. Eve looked at the people. Most were unkept. Some in wheelchairs. One came up to her, and stared in her face, frightening her. Eve hid behind Mabel who shooed the man away. They walked slowly over to a lone figure in a wheelchair. Eve went to the front of the wheelchair; it was her mother.

" Hi Mama.", Eve said. But, her mother said nothing. She hugged her, but, there was no response.

" What’s wrong with Mama? Why isn’t she answering me? You said that she was sick. She doesn’t look sick."

" There are different kinds of sick, Clarissa. Your mother is sick in the head."

" Does she know t hat I’m here?"

" I don’t know. I don’t think so."

" Will she ever come back to me?"

" I don’t know."

Eve began to cry, and put her head in her mother’s lap. " I’m sorry if I did this to you, Mama. I’m sorry. If you come back, I’ll be better. I promise. I promise. "

Mabel watched the scene and her heart broke. It never mattered what the parent did, or how they mistreated the child: the children ALWAYS blame themselves. Always. What could she tell Eve- that her mother took a dose of a bad batch of heroin laced with PCP, and it totally fried her mind? What good would the truth do this child?

Mabel let Eve cry, and she braided her mother’s hair. After an hour, she told Eve that it was time to go.

" Bye, Mama. Get better."  Eve kissed her on the cheek, and they left and drove back in silence.

[ END OF FLASHBACK]
 

A few tears ran down Eve’s cheeks. She had NEVER wanted any of her children to see her in ‘this place’. She had wanted them spared that ‘experience’.

She turned over, and let the demons lure her to sleep.