The Best Laid Plans-Chapter 53
 
 
 

Bobbie came downstairs after showering to find Luke in her living room.

" I don't remember inviting you here."

" Barbara Jean, we have to talk."

" I do believe that you are a year too late in your talks with me, Luke."

" But, I can explain."

" You can?"

" Yes. Just give me a minute."

" I'll be generous. You can have two."

" Alright. I went down to Florida, and I talked to Virginia Bensen."

" Crazy Virginia."

" I got the year book, and saw that it was Carly. Well, I was about to tell you, when you told me you found Tony in bed with Carly. And I couldn't tell you then."

" Why not?"

" Because I couldn't kick you while you're down."

" Why not? It wouldn't have been the first time. OK. Let's say that I even believe this enormous concern that you had for me. But, what accounts for your silence all this time."

" Well, then, we weren't speaking."

" That wasn't by my choice, Luke. That was yours. As was taking my child away from me. My right to know her. As well as harming my son. Tony. And now, making it difficult so that I might not ever be able to know my own grandchild. But, you were to busy with YOUR war with the Cassadines, to give your sister an afterthought."

" I wasn't the one who upped and married Stefan."

" Oh, and for punishment, you kept my daughter from me."

" Well...No....Barbara Jean, stop putting words in my mouth."

" Gee, Luke, I didn't think anyone could do that."

" Bobbie, come on..."

" But, then again, I have always been your easiest mark, wasn't I, Luke?"

" Bobbie, I never saw you as a mark?"

" Of course you did. Everyone is a mark, to you. Just find their weak point. Especially a woman. So you can bully her when need be. Of course, hitting a woman, isn't you style. Unless we want to include Laura, then rape isn't even a limit for you. But, what does that suprise me, when you could pimp your little sister."

" Bobbie, what the hell are you saying?"

" Things that should have been said years ago. You know, I've had some time to really think about my life. And who I am. I haven't gotten much sleep since I found out about what a complete liar and phony you really are. And I had to take a long look at my life. And the choices that I have made. Specifically with men. And they all come back to you. I know that now. Our father might have abandoned us, but you abandoned me long ago."

" Hey! I was ALWAYS with you."

" Were you, Luke? I don't think so. I remember what it was like, when we were kids. Scrounging around. Looking for food. I remember clinging to you for dear life. That you bullied me even then. And made it seem like it was all my fault. 'When you had to do it'. But, hey, you were Luke, and you knew what was best. My God, what an absolute idiot I have been all my life. Did you ever love me, Luke? Really love me?"

" How could you even ask that?"

" Because you've never SEEN me. Not the real me. You've never respected me. Not really. And I think I've known that. How could you respect me, when you saw me as no better than those other girls. The whores your bragged about seeing, instead of courting teenaged girls. I WAS THAT WHORE, Luke. You just passed by my door, that's all.

I had to give serious thought as to how you could rationalize not telling me about my own child. And then I realized, that a man, who could demand of the wife he supposedly loves more than life itself to give up her own child, not telling your sister about her child, must have been child's play, no pun intended."

(pleading).." Bobbie.."

" I recall countless conversations this year about Carly. So many instances where you could have said, "Bobbie, she's your daughter." But you kept silent. A few stick out in my mind. When the pictures arrived from Virginia. And you started in on me. How I couldn't open the pictures. That Caroline is dead. That I should let it go. But, the kicker, was that you used poor, dead BJ to seal the deal with me. You used the memory of my dead daughter against me. Do you have any idea how completely foul and downright obscene that was?"

" Bobbie..."

" But, you don't see it that way, do you? Because you know best. You always have. You never gave my thoughts or desires a second glance, IF, they interfered with what you thought my life ought to be. Do you have any idea, as a woman, what it's like to wake up from a surgery, only to be told by some doctor, usually a man, that you will never be able to carry a child? Do you know the hole that it makes in you? One that goes to the pit of your soul? The desperation, the void, the emptiness? Why I had to resort to STEALING another woman's child, in order to even be a mother? What that said about me, as a person, that I could so something so morally vacant, because a hunger was so deep in me that I could hardly breath because it crowded out everything else? And you didn't think that I could handle Carly being my daughter? The only living part of me? And that you actually thought it was your place, to decide that for me? What complete arrogance on your part. Did you think of the other lives that you've affected because of this? Tony? Lucas? Or, have you been so wrapped up in covering your own lie, that, no one else even matters. Why shouldn't I be surprised at that? No one else ever did. So, how did you keep Carly quiet? Ask a stupid question. The same way you keep all the women in your life 'in line'. By bullying her. You're great at that, aren't you, Luke? You're a great bully. It's one character trait that you've perfected.

Tell me Luke, what's the REAL reason why you didn't want Carly and I to hook up? Is it because you had such an overwhelming concern for me? Or is it because Carly is a real-life reminder that my own brother had no problem with his pimping his little sister out on the streets."

" I'm going to leave you now. You're too.."

" UPSET?!? Is THAT what you were going to say? Actually, I am past upset, through with rage, and now, I am into intellectual introspection. That's what this is all about.

I started earlier about the men in my life. How, I could accept those that I have.

People wondered how in the hell I could let Brock beat on me the way that I did. Oh, I usually mumbled some answer, said I was glad he was dead, and then changed the subject. But, let's answer that now, shall we? How, could I, allow some man to continuously beat on me?

Answer: The most cliche in the book: I thought I deserved it. And why not? What kind  of man could respect a woman who couldn't and doesn't have the respect of her own brother. A brother who saw fit to have her out on the streets. There's something fundamentally morally bankrupt about having someone you say you love out there selling herself on the street. Would you find that acceptable if it were you and Laura? Of course not. Because, Laura is a Princess. And I'm not. What would you say if Lucky did that to Lulu, Luke? Send her out on the street. Are you going to look me in the eye, and say that it would be OK because of the circumstances. Because, you'd be a DAMNED LIAR! And we both know that.

No. I stayed with Brock, because I didn't deserve any better. Or so I thought.

Then, let's go onto Jake. The man humiliates me with my worst enemy. But, he was able to hold me down, because of that baby hunger. I even put up with Lucy Coe, because I thought that a baby was at the end of the tunnel. But, when the baby left, so did the usefulness of that marriage.

Next, we're onto Tony. That emotionally abusing, manipulative, control freak Tony. Now, he's got the nice guy image downpat. Heck, everyone thinks he's a great guy. But, you have to live with him to see the real Tony. He's the only one, who could match you, for ability to completely emotionally manipulate me. He could teach you lessons. Now, when I get 'out of line' with you, all you do is bring up Florida, off the cuff, as if we're talking about summer camp, or something. In all these years, you've never bothered look at my face. The grimacing, the discomfort, the dread and unease that overtakes my body, as you wander back to the 'bad old days'. But, you never look outside yourself long enough, to even imagine that bringing up my past isn't what I want to do."

" You know that I don't have regret, Bobbie."

" And when was it about YOU. That's your problem. You never think that anything ISN'T about you. You don't go outside yourself. For years, I have told myself that there must be something wrong with me. WHY can't I just 'get past it'. And I realized, that I can't. Because, I have you and Tony always willing to bring it up, when Barbara Jean isn't a 'good little girl'. Now, I will say, once BJ died, then Tony had a new club with which to beat me over the head.  Tony was perfect for me. I mean, I could never live up to his high standards, so everytime he chastised me, like a child, for being naughty, it was the father/daughter relationship that I so longed for. Actually, the relationship that I missed with you, when you were on the run, all those many years. So, I went out and found another substitute for you. AGAIN. But one with a lot better window dressing. You treat me like a child. And I let you. I admit that I  share in the blame of using you like the crutch you are. 'Poor, Barbara Jean. What in the world would she do without Luke to lean on?' The answer to that is maybe live my OWN life.

It's strange. Finding out the truth about Carly has freed me from both you AND Tony. Cause I was listening to Amy's ridiculous droning on, about how Tony and I still had this chance. And, I was deluding myself into thinking that things between Tony weren't as bad as I thought them to be. That we actually HAD  a marriage before Carly even hit town. Which is a lie. We haven't had a marriage since before BJ died. Both of us have been going through the motions. But, since we thought we had to keep the family together for Lucas' sake, and because I was so afraid of being alone, I thought, well Tony is better than nothing. I was wrong about that.  Which brings me to my latest husband. The pattern continued. Looking at Stefan objectively, I married YOU. For the two of you are the same man, just different sides of the same coin. And yet, only with Stefan, did I feel free of the past for the first time. UNTIL, the night that I was caught trying to drug him, and I realized, as he was lashing out at me, that, you were wrong, and I was right, and that he did have feelings, and that I hurt him.

So, where does that leave me? Alone, and finally free."

" Free?"

" Yes. Of the shackles of the past. Of the chains that wore on my soul and dragged me down. When I mean free, I mean free of you, Luke. I am absolving you of anymore responsibility that you think you have towards me. It's not necessary any longer. I can take care of myself. And I no longer need you."

" Not need me? I'm your brother. You'll always need me."

" You're wrong. You're not my brother. The person that I knew as my brother scrounged around in bargain basment bookstores and brought me every baby book possible when I was pregnant. My brother, went without, so that I could have fresh fruit and vegetables, in order to keep the baby healthy. My brother was the one who held my other hand, as my writing hand was shaking as a I signed the papers of relinquishment, so that my baby could be adopted. You see, my Brother, would have known, after going through all of that, what the baby, and knowing her, would mean to me. He WAS THE ONLY ONE IN THE WORLD, that I thought, completely understood, what she meant to me. THAT Brother is dead. Who you are, I no longer care for. And I certainly no longer desire in my life. So go."

" What did you tell me when I told you to leave after Laura's death? Nobody knows me the way that you do, and no one knows how to hurt me the way you do. So when you miss me for one or the other, you know where I am."

" Don't hold your breath."